I’m so unbelievably happy that I get to post here yet again.. ❤️ So I apologize if it’s a bit long.

Little backstory.. I’ve had 5 MC, 1 stillborn, and a vanished twin.. all by age 25. I gave birth to my daughter in 2016, had yet another MC early 2017.. and then was surprised 2 days before my daughters 1st birthday with a BFP at only 9dpo.

First ultrasound at 6 weeks showed 2 sacks, 1 with baby and 1 with only a yolk.. was told that there might still be a baby in there and the position is just making it difficult.. so I held onto hope until my next scan at 15 weeks. Nope.. second sack was completely gone.. my heart still aches for the twin that my little boy will never know.. that he has to grow up without.. and the person that they could have been but never will be.

I went in on May 15th at 5pm to be induced at exactly 39 weeks. My cervix check the day prior showed I was at a 0, high and hard.. so the plan was cytotec and pitocin.. To say I was not thrilled with that plan is an understatement. (My last induction was majorly foley and only pitocin at the end)

Once I got changed into my labor gown and hooked up to an IV.. a Dr came in to fist me (lol) and it turned out I was at a 3! So no cyto and no foley. Pitocin immediately.. which was also not ideal because I planned on going natural.

The contractions were very bearable and not painful at all until the pitocin was increased to 14.. even after breaking my water it wasn’t that bad. But level 14? Holyshitfuck. I started shaking and could barely breathe through the pain each contraction.. which was depriving baby of oxygen and I had to wear an oxygen mask.. they insisted I get an epidural for his sake, so I did- reluctantly but it was for the best. I screamed through the process.. he decided to do it right when a contraction hit me.. I was in tears.

My body went numb but I could still move my legs and wiggle my toes, so that was nice. I was expecting to be dead numb. I took a nap with my annoying oxygen mask on for a few hours. Woke up for a cervix check and was dilated to an 8. Asked for the epidural drip to be turned off and promised to wear my mask. Drifted off to sleep while the epidural was still wearing off and was awoken by the feeling of needing to poop badly. I hit the nurse call button and said I need to push, she said she would come check me in a bit.. 5 minutes later and I really can’t ignore the feeling so I call again and basically yell into the damn thing that he is definitely crowning. The bitch took 10 minutes to arrive and insisted it was just the baby moving down and I wouldn’t be ready any time soon but she would check me anyway. (She seemed so annoyed!)

She had me move my legs into position and didn’t even touch me, just said “I’ll be right back” and 3 minutes later at 8:00am on the dot she came in with 6 people. “Let’s have a baby!”

I pushed 6 times and out he came at 8:11am but wasn’t crying.. he passed his meconium on his way down and had inhaled some.. it felt like an eternity waiting for his first cry.. they even looked like they were almost as scared as I was. My husband and I just held our breath and cried while we waited for them to finish sucking the fluid from his lungs and rubbing him aggressively.. then finally the most beautiful yet pathetic sounding cry came from his tiny mouth. We instantly began ugly sobbing from sheer happiness. My husband cut his cord and he was taken away to the other side of the room. I sat there waiting not so patiently for my baby who I had expected to be placed on my chest immediately but unfortunately wasn’t.. I pushed out my placenta while they got him cleaned up, and he pooped AND peed on the nurse. My husband got to hold him first but I guess it’s only fair since I got to hold our daughter first haha.

He was 8lbs 8.8oz, 21 1/2 inches long. No NICU, thank goodness.

I’m still saddened every time I look at him.. knowing that he shouldn’t be alone.. but I’ve accepted the fact that clearly something was wrong with his twin and that’s why they didn’t make it. I just hate that it had to be this way.