Please note ahead of time this is a long one. And I'd really appreciate it if we didn't make hateful comments. I've got enough on my plate. So I'm 21 years old. I still live at home. I was raised in a strict Christian home. I travel and have travelled to many places in the world both for simlple vacations and relaxation as well as missions work. I became a licensed diesel technician at 19 (I skipped some grades in elementary school, graduated high school at 16 And started college at 16). My parents and my family have invested lots of love, time, and money into my life. We aren't rich but I lack for nothing and I'm thankful because if it weren't for them I wouldn't have hit the ground running. I am a bit of a workaholic. I don't like not doing something constructive. But I didn't invest really into friends or at least into keeping them. Not because I'm a snob but because I focused on my education and never stopped to go to that party or hang out at the mall. I'd go home from school, teach myself how to cook dishes from around the world, and then spend my nights tinkering on cars in my garage. I love what I do. But I'm lonely if that makes sense. I know lots of people. Have lots of acquaintances and colleagues in a similar field but again I didn't make time for lasting relationships. I ended up turning to social media when I turned 20 And tried dating. I met 4 different guys over the course of a year. Nothing really happened until I connected with one guy who owned his own shop back in October of 2017. Little bit of a rebel. Funny guy. Seemed to click really well. We built a rat rod together. Ate good food. I felt like you know I could see myself with a guy like this for the rest of my life. He seemed too good to be true and was my dream country boy at heart. But then the first week of February 2018 my life turned upside down. I was pregnant. And I can't even say I was surprised. Because I can take you back to the spot, the date, the moment it happened. I was stupid and just shrugged it off like no way I won't get pregnant. Other people get knocked up. Not me. But obviously I was wrong. Fast forward a little bit. He didn't want a baby with a girl that he barely knew. And he harassed me for weeks telling me that I had to get an abortion and telling me that I was selfish and ruining his life. So after weeks of disagreeing and of me insisting that I was keeping this baby I decided that enough was enough. I blocked him on all of my social media and changed my phone number. I then told my parents. And they were devastated and I don't blame them. They told me I had to give up the baby for adoption. I said no. I couldn't imagine giving up my child when I am capable of taking care of that child. then they kicked me out. I had never felt so alone and empty. I turned to the church for advice. And the church reprimanded my parents. And a couple of days later I was back at home. It was hard. My mom wouldn't say three words to me in a day unless she was condemning me for my sins. It broke my heart but I never let her see me cry or let her see that she was succeeding in hurting me. So she tried harder and harder. At this point I was emotional and made a poor judgement call and reached out to the father of my child who gave me some hell before saying we can co parent. And I was happy with that statement. I spent a weekend at his house and on the last day he just shook his head and said no I can't do this it's screwing with my head and started trying to pressure me to have an abortion all over again. Later on that week I had two of his friends and his ex call me and scream at me and tell me how I'm so selfish and that he doesn't want to be forced to raise a child with me and threatened me saying that if I keep this child they will stand by him and take me to court for some custody of that child. I was terrified. And I blocked him all over again. Soon after this I started telling some people I was pregnant including my workplace. And I was overwhelmed by the support from my peers. And I started to get really excited about this baby. I was like ok it won't be easy but I'm going to raise this baby on my own and do my very best because at the end of the day, this is my child. I went with my sister in law at the end of my first trimester to start a registry at babies r us. And it was so much fun. I was glowing. I was happy. I was ignoring all of these haters. And as we are test pushing strollers around the store I get a phone call. It was a specialist who told me that a test came back and was very concerning for them. A test that stated that my unborn child had a rare chromosome disorder that is not viable with life. I broke down and just cried my heart out in that store. They wanted to do another test as well as an ultrasound to check the baby's condition. Further tests and the ultrasound confirmed that the baby has a heart condition where the veins and arteries are not forming properly, there are spots on the brain, no nasal cavity, a poorly forming skull shape, and a clubbed foot, with no chance of surviving more than 24 hours after birth. The specialist suggested that I get induced before I reached 20 weeks and that I contact a funeral home in preparation for what was to come. Have you ever seen a baby casket? A baby plaque gravemarker? It's hard planning a burial for a 70 year old let alone a child that never got to see the light of day. It's heartbreaking. And my heart goes out to those out there who have had to go through losing a child. It's the most unimaginable numbing experience. I was scheduled to be induced on the 20 week mark. And the day before I was scheduled to be induced I changed my mind. I was like right now my child's heart is beating just fine. Who am I to say ok let's stop your heart now. It's essentially just an abortion. And I wanted nothing to do with that. I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made. I know it won't change the outcome but I'm enjoying every moment that I can with my child. I'm rocking the cutest baby bump right now and this past week I felt my baby move for the first time. It is the craziest most special feeling in the whole entire world. My unborn baby is a girl (And she has yes been given a name). I'm making the most of my time with her. I had an ultrasound just yesterday and was able to see my little girl moving around and growing and being camera shy by covering her face with her hands every so often. I'm amazed at the miracle that is inside of me and I know God is an amazing and I pray for my baby every single day and know that this is apart of his plan and that gives me a peace and has helped me cope and given me strength. Well here we are today and I'm 22 weeks and 5 days now. And the doctor called and mentioned that the heart looked good during yesterday's ultrasound and that there is no additional fetal demise right now and that there is a possibility that if she progresses well, she might even live two weeks after birth. I was mind blown. Like may be having my for a week instead of 24 hours sounds like a dream and i would be the happiest mama in the world if I could have her a little longer. However now I'm afraid that I'm getting my hopes up again. Because in a moment my life changed before. It could happen again. I went from lonely to happy to oh no I'm pregnant to I'm scared to okay this is good then excited then heartbroken then scared again and then relieved and then content with the results and now I'm slowly getting happy again but remaining cautious. It's a roller coaster ride of emotions. And here I am trying to figure out my life and hoping for the best while trying to stay sane. This little one has become my everything. The reason I love, cry, hurt, and rejoice in. She's my life. My purpose. She gives me air. My world revolve around her. Some people think I'm stupid. Saying oh you're not a real mother cause the baby isn't here in your arms. You haven't raised a baby. You haven't raised a child. You're not a mother. And they're right. I have not raised a baby. And I might not have the chance to because of the health concerns. But I'm carrying this child like a mom carries her child. I can feel this child. I eat better for this child. She's a part of me. Forever and always I will be her mama and she will be my baby girl.