Trying to stay on my path of recovery but struggling.

So I am an alcoholic it has been a year and 4 months since my last drink. Mind you most of that I was pregnant. This last week I had a miscarriage my 3rd in 2 years. No I wasn’t planning on falling pregnant again but ever since I found out and lost it I have wanted nothing but to drink. It has literally taken every single ounce of my being to not just walk to the gas station and buy a 6 pack.

My boyfriend knows I had a drinking problem he’s witnessed me in my drunken rage. He doesn’t know how bad it was before I met him. Before I had my now 4 year old I weighed 105 (I’m 5’6 so extremely underweight) because all I would consume was alcohol I’d eat a salad every few days when my ex would notice I wasn’t eating. I worked at a bar then so I had unlimited access to alcohol id go in for the lunch shift (11am) and there were a few times I was drinking so heavily I was passed out by 3pm. There was a few other times I’d do a double shift to make extra money my boss wouldn’t allow me to leave because I was so intoxicated.

I have never been to AA I just try and suppress my feelings sometimes I reach out to my ex husband because he was a witness to my drinking. I’m just really need someone in my life that understands what this is like. I need someone I can talk to that isn’t or won’t be judgement about my drinking. I feel like I am living a double life everyone thinks I am so happy. No one knows why I lost custody of my older kids (I have 4) I just feel like I am struggling extremely hard and I don’t have anyone to talk to.