Did it really happen

Hi ladies I feel so ashamed and embarrassed for asking this ...? Like I should know the question to this but I think and think and get lost in my own toughts and it’s awful ... me and my husband have been Married for 7 years our relationship has always been insulting me and putting me down I had an affair when he left the house this begging year and he cane back he knew I hd seen the guy but didn’t know to what extreme we had went (sex) he found out one night because of the guy sending him stuff on social media he left and came back later on that night ... saying he had no where to go but it was done and he hated me and I was a who’re ! He asked what had happened I told him but choose not to believe me it’s been 1 month of this happening that he found out and there’s days where he’s fine and days where he’ll be like i hate you i don’t love you can’t stand you I don’t wanna he with you I just can’t leave have no where to go he keeps threatening me to leave I seked help with a therapist I felt so sorry for what I’ve done and I wanted to be better for my kids as his behavior was causing me depression again the other day he got home and he was looking for a tool for the car we searched the whole house he started attacking me saying I had gifted his shit to the guy told me the worst of the worst ... little did he not remember he had token the tool to his aunt house and had left it there but while we were waiting for her reply he still believed it was my fault he attacked me and went to the room and took of his pants and started saying I was a whore and to show him how my reaction and face was when I had the affair I was already in deep crying for what he was telling me and doing he proceeded to have sexual intercourse with me I begged him to get off and was crying I tried getting away and he was pulling me down he said fuck you who’re you loved what you did show me !!! I begged him to stop that if we were going to do this it was out of love and he proceeded he ended up pulling my hair down and completed to finish I felt like he had raped me I proceeded to cry in the room and even thought about hurting myself I couldn’t believe it my kids where in the living room I’m pregnant and he did this to me I know what i did was wrong and i know why I did it and i am sorry but what more can I do there’s time where we would have sec and he’d tell me I love you why did you have to do this to me I need time space let it happen days I don’t want this I’m so confused