This month is 14 months TTC. I am at the point where I feel like a total failure. I was diagnosed with PCOS after having uncontrollable periods for several months. It was so bad I had to have a cyst removed and a DNC because my lining was too thick. It wasn’t even 4 weeks post op and I am back to having just as bad of a period if not worse. I have had this current period for a full 3 weeks now. I am miserable. I have gone through 21 overnight pads and 29 superplus tampons in 7 days. My OB is adjusting some meds to hopefully help, but today I just couldn’t be strong anymore. I sat in the bathroom and hysterically cried as my husband watched me. My hand was covered in blood as I changed yet another pad and tampon. I told him I didn’t understand why when all I want is to start a family with him I get endless periods and cramping and clotting instead. I don’t have anyone who understands what this feels like. My mom had no issues. My sister just had the sweetest baby 2 months ago. I see anything baby related and the lump in my throat is almost too much. I don’t know how to pick myself up when I feel like a failure of a woman. I don’t know how to push through these emotions as I cry silently next to my sleeping husband. I don’t know what God’s plan is but I sure hope it is worth it for all of this heartbreak. I want so badly to finally have a little Grayson or Ella like my husband and I have planned. I truly hope god is watching me type this because I could really use a guardian angel. My husband is the sweetest soul and is comforting and supportive but the heart ache is much more bearable for him. I wish I was stronger I really do. I just feel like I’m being crushed with all of the weight. I find myself wondering if I should just try and convince myself that I will never be pregnant. Would that make me feel better? Would that make this disappointment bearable? I am so tired. I just pray for my broken body to heal enough to carry a child.

If you stuck through to the end, thank you. If I could just know that one person read my story I think I would feel better.