Something that can never be understand

So me and my ex been together for about 3 years now, i met him when i was 13 and he was 14, we started going out a few months after because i don’t know we found out we actually liked each other, and what’s crazy to me is that about this one moment me and him had he really felt a connection there towards liking me and i did too actually. that same fucking moment. but anyways I been kissing his ass for a year and i cried and begged for him and apologized for his own mistakes which i don’t understand why but i was so in-love with him because he was my first love like the guy i actually gave a fuck about. and He was the one to take my v-card because i trusted him and i’m a serious person about relationships so i wanted a relationship to grow with at the time, and look after that year i changed like my whole attitude was like “i don’t care about anything anymore” kind of thing and trust me i fell in love with him, and i guess once we made a year he proposed to me i was like 14 and he was 16, i know crazy huh but anyways, he did that and i really didn’t know what to say anymore because i was so hurt and broken i really didn’t feel anything towards about it but i said yes either way because he’s the guy i always wanted this with, after the year he notices i change and we start fighting a lot because he thinks i don’t love him which i do really a lot but i just don’t know how to show it anymore. Then he starts thinking i like other guys so he controls me for that year and i can’t wear or post anything that he doesn’t like and i can’t even straighten or curl my hair without him thinking i’m gonna go impress some fucking guy and i can’t hangout with my friends without him being there or being otp with me to listen, and i just can’t anymore like he was so controlling that he put a tracking shit on my phone so he would know where i would fucking be at and then later he became so abusive and aggressive that during our fights he would like actually wanna physically fight me and he knows he’s stronger than me and he almost killed me once but i don’t know. i tried. i left him so many times and when i did try to leave before he would use the suicide card that if i left him he would kill himself and trust me you don’t know how much stress i had like fuck!!! but anyways we made 2 years and we ended cut, i left him because he lied to me about some stupid shit that he could of just fucking told me, but i just cant go through that same fucking childish shit anymore. Later once i did, he texts me saying he misses me right and me being the stupid ass that i am feeling sad because i miss him too so around September 2017, i end up hanging out with him and Tell me fucking why i had this weird fucking feeling in my heart like i felt something was wrong and some one kept calling him like 3 times but he ignored it and told me it was his brother and yes, i had sex with him and we started going out after that, and the next day i get this random girl who i don’t know who it is trying to follow me on instagram and i’m declining because idk who that is and she sends another request like wtf? and i text her asking her like who are you? and she tells me that she’s my boyfriends ex girlfriend and that he’s living with her and they’re going out and shes telling me that he’s a piece of shit and that he cheated and this and that and she sent me videos omg yo once she sent those videos of him and her in bed i cried like you don’t understand how fucking fucked up i was but anyways i knew i was tripping about that feeling in my heart like i knew was wrong so i ended things with him he was playing stupid like he doesn’t know what happened and after that i blocked him but idk i really fucked up for a few months like i didnt care anymore like fuck it. after that he hit me up again and i ended up catching feelings a little bit but fuck ! like idk anymore he cheated on me so many times but i love him so much and i can’t get him out of my head and i try to forget him and it just hurts, like he’s like me, he’s my other half in a way like if he said something or felt about something i would understand it 100% like i can tell. like he’s my soulmate but he does these things and i don’t know what to do anymore.