I started dating this great guy 4.5 years ago when I was in 8th grade. He was so nice and so caring. 4 years later we went through becoming a long distance couple. He moved the summer before sophomore year. It sucked. But that was when it started. He became toxic sometimes. He was always depressed which made a lot of sense. But years went by and it just got worse. His parents hated me. I could only see him once a year at a convention. But each year was a living hell. His family always cause problems and he would never go to bat for me and stand up for me. He was always too busy playing D&D; to help me or talk about our relationship. When I had panic attacks he would never answer me to help me or anything. He would call only when he felt like it. He would never want to talk about anything other than what was happening in his life.

So

I tried to leave him. But he pulled me back in telling me he would do better. He never did. Instead of talking to me while I was crying my eyes out trying to make the decision if I really wanted to leave him or not, he went and saw a movie. Coming back and asking me if I was “done freaking out yet” I didn’t leave him that day.

A few weeks later, my dogs escaped the yard. The wind blew open the badly latched gate open and all 3 got out. 1 of them went to the neighbors 2 of them ran off all day. One of the dogs that ran off all day was 1 year old and this was her first time ever getting out. The other had been out before and knew to come home and where we were. He was at school all day (he had a full schedule I only took 2 classes for senior year so I came home before noon) and then he went straight to D&D.; I tried to call him. He never answered. I got a text that said “I’m at D&D;, can’t talk.” I was broken hearted. At that point it was winter where I live and the sun sets early. My dogs hadn’t come home yet and I was terrified. I posted it on my Snapchat hoping my friends would keep a look out for the dogs. One of my guy friends texts me “hey do you need anything??? We don’t live out by you guys so I don’t think they are out that way. Can I bring you anything?” Unaware that he was at work I called him. He picked up. My friend who was at work picked up the phone and talked me through my crying spell while my other friend drove home to get her sleeping stuff. After he hangs up he texts me “I can bring you tea after work.”

I cried, I was unhappy in my relationship and nothing was working. My friend treated me better than my boyfriend.

Weeks go by and then I had a nightmare from my childhood which gave me a panic attack. I couldn’t text my boyfriend for help. He wouldn’t wake up. I tried to call and he never picked up. He never sent me good morning texts either. I ended up calling a good friend to help me. That afternoon after school my boyfriend calls me on his way to work. I told him what happened and all I got was “awwww hun” and that’s it. No “are you ok now? Can I do anything?” Nothing. I realized. I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He was never there when I needed him and anyone in an LDR can relate, communication is key to an LDR. So I left him.

For good.

Almost 2 months later he’s still manipulating me to come back. Telling me he wants to quit smoking and telling me about all the things he was gonna do with me when he came for his first ever visit back home. And it just hurts. I feel like a horrible person for this. All of my friends tell me he was in the wrong. He is just manipulating me. But this has gone too far.

Last night a friend of mine screen shotted one of his Instagram posts and sent it to me. It was so sad and I knew he was hurting. But I also know that if I went back it would be the same as always. Just toxic. I ended up having an anxiety attack last night and scaring my mom who told me that I wasnt in the wrong, but I still feel awful