Feel free to comment what it was and has been like for you... we all experience our losses differently, but this is how I have been feeling so far...

It’s the burning in your head when the doctor says there’s something wrong with your pregnancy, that your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat anymore...

The desperation of wanting to fix it, that brief thought of how to make it better, make that little heart beat again, but it won’t.

The tears that sting at your eyes when they leave to to dress and compose yourself. Holding it together until you’re out of the office, passing the couple being handed the freshly printed ultrasound, trying to drown out their discussion of their baby.

It’s finally getting to the safety of your car, and breaking into a million pieces, not caring who sees. Waiting to be able to breathe and see long enough to drive home, only to sit in the garage and cry for another hour before going inside.

It’s texting your friends that were so excited for you “Baby doesn’t have a heartbeat anymore at 12 weeks”, it’s facing the condolences of those that have been there, and the well meant words of those that haven’t.

It’s going into your house and ripping up the brochures and pamphlets you were given, the papers for the blood work you were supposed to get after the ultrasound.

It’s putting away the Father’s Day gift you were going to tell the grandparents with... its stacking up the pregnancy books and hiding them out of sight, putting away the reminders...

It’s the call from the midwife, her heartfelt apologies and the talk about options, what would you like to do? Well, I would like my baby back...

It’s finding out that bad feeling, the dread you experienced only days before started the day your baby stopped growing, just days ago.

It’s the choices and decisions, the ways to move on physically but not emotionally. The talk about trying again and moving on, the “Your time will come” and the “It wasn’t meant to be” but the next baby won’t replace this one, it never could.

It’s the hollow feeling once it’s officially over and your baby is gone, the condolences from the doctors and nurses, the going home to a new life, one emptier than it was the week before, and time to figure out what happens next...

It’s the anger and resentment, the unfairness of every newborn and pregnant woman, just reminders of everything you lost. The whys and what ifs...

It’s the courage to cry and fall apart when you’d like to be strong, it’s the goodbyes you never wanted to say, the explanation you never wanted to give. It’s still seeing that screen in your head with the perfect little baby on it... it’s every moment from the second you knew you were expecting, til the second you weren’t... it’s the silence in your head when you no longer have your baby to talk to, it’s the years of plans, the realization that you not only lost your baby but a lifetime of love, birthdays, goodnight kisses and good morning smiles...