Waking up at 4:30am to workout gets easier the longer I’ve done it. Learning the new system or procedure at work gets easier the more times I run through it. Most things get easier as time passes and I have more practice. This? This infertility crap? Doesn’t get easier. It’s the same story, one week a month, every single month. I crash in an instant from my 3wk high of “maybe its this month!” and the reality hits like a tsunami, either with a BFN or AF.

Today may have been the hardest fall though. It’s my 12th cycle TTC #1 in my mid-30’s. I’m supposed to start AF today, and I told myself I wouldn’t test early this month. I haven’t been having the symptoms that usually accompany my AF, so last night I decided to use one of my HCg strips “just to check”. I waited the 3 whole minutes and what I saw was confusing. The dye had bled along the strip, but there were 2 noticeable lines. I didn’t know what to think. My head said “invalid, the dye shouldn’t run like that” but my heart said “THOSE ARE 2 LINES”. I decided to use a regular pregnancy test in the morning before my husband woke up. I had the best couple of hours before bed, dreaming of the possibilities. I planned out how I was going to test first thing, then imagined having to scramble the rest of the day to set up a surprise to tell my husband the wonderful news. I was on cloud 9. I fell asleep thinking of being pregnant and shot out of bed as soon as my alarm went off. I had everything set up in the guest bathroom already and I proceeded to test. I prayed for 3min as my timer counted down, then turned the video on to record my reaction.

Not Pregnant.

I’ve seen that so many times before, it should be easier by now. It’s more of a routine in my life than anything else. It wasn’t easier though. It’ll never get easier.

My blood work this month came back normal, and my husband has his appt at the fertility clinic in 2 weeks. Depending on those results, my HSG test will be during my August cycle (which happens to fall on my 35th bday). I was so sure we wouldn’t have to go through all of that. I just knew it would be after a year of trying, right before things got real. It sucks. Plain and simple. I think I’m pregnant every single month. It would be easier if I could just be more pessimistic during the time between ovulation and AF. Nope, I’m pessimistic in every other thing in life but SO optimistic when it comes to TTC. This hurts. I’m broken.