You can’t hurt me anymore

Dear past,

You broke me. You destroyed my outlook of myself and of what I deserve in life.

Dear sperm donor,

You hurt you own child in a way that’s unforgettable. I was 3 years old... what is so appealing about being an infant? Why did you give me to your buddies for the night just to get drugs or drunk off your ass? Why was my life, my childhood, my innocence so meaningless to you?? How did that make it okay? Because of you I had a deal fear of men other than my stepdad. The real one who raised me and acted how a father should. Not the vile disgusting relationship you thought a father should have with his daughter.

But it’s okay because I successfully managed to let people in again. I now know how help other victims of abuse and sexual assault. You may have confused what a relationship should be but after so many years I finally learned how love should be.

Dear first boyfriend,

You knew my past so you were extra sweet for the first week. But then you wanted sex. Expected sex. When I said no you just decided to choke me out and take what you wanted. You continued to beat and abuse me for two years but I got strong enough to get away. The years after that we’re extremely hard for me. I had to get over the pain again. I had to find a reason to live. Instead I only found more reason to end my life and end the mental suffering.

Dear past,

I see my scars all over my body and I no longer hide them. I no longer flinch when a man comes near me. I no longer hyperventilate when someone is yelling at me. I no longer want to die. I found a wonderful man who is truly kind and gentle and expects nothing from me. Someone who has listened to my tears and screams at night and has loved me anyway. Someone who has come to pick me up off the shower floor because I collapsed from a panic attack and couldn’t move myself. Someone who taught me the will to live was still there. Someone who is teaching me everyday that my life matters and I deserve to enjoy it. You may have taken every part of me and broken it down but I am rebuilding. I am 21 years old and I have a whole life to fix the puzzle that makes up my heart and soul. I have my bestfriend to help every step of the way and my son as a reminder to push through the rough days because it the sun will shine again.

Dear past,

I finally found peace