Anxiety in Relationships

I have such bad anxiety. It got worse when my boyfriend a few years ago decided to break up with me out of nowhere, and now I keep asking for reassurance from my current partner that he still loves me.

I’m literally crying in my room thinking how bad of a girlfriend I am because he says me constantly needing reassurance is pushing him away but I can’t help it. I try not to think about it and I try not to need reassurance but it’s so difficult. I know he loves me but I don’t know why I ask him and why I need to hear that I’m the only one.

I hate how I am so difficult and that I have trouble controlling my thoughts and that it makes my boyfriend mad at me and makes it hard for him to understand me and my needs. I wish I was simpler, someone without anxiety, so I wouldn’t think that if he responded to a text in a different tone, that he hated me; or that during the 1 hour he doesn’t reply, he’s doing something behind my back when I know he isn’t.

Anxiety is so overbearing and whenever we argue I just get so scared that his initial idea will be to just break up with me, or that every fight means he’s losing feelings for me. I immediately feel sick in my stomach, my heart races and I want to throw up. I get depressed and don’t want to do anything.

Currently I feel all of this. It doesn’t feel very good and I don’t like the feeling and I really feel like not existing. Not dying, just not existing. It’s just too unbearable to have a mind that runs wild with “what ifs”.