Three days ago I had to make the most difficult decision I’ve ever made.

I don’t really know where to start so I guess I’ll start at the beginning. I’ve only posted about my brother one time before, but here goes. When I was sixteen my mom passed away and my older brother became my legal guardian and I went to live with him. My dad had been out of the picture since we were kids so it was either my brother or foster care.

He dropped everything to take care of me. Started working 2 jobs so he could afford a two bedroom apartment. He wasn’t exactly Mr. Responsible before that but we had always been close and he made sure I had anything I needed.

Then a couple weeks after my birthday when I turned 19 my brother was in a major car accident. I just remember waking up that morning and kept wondering why he was sleeping so late, then when I eventually checked in his room I realized he had never come home from work the night before.

He had to have his right arm amputated and he had a traumatic brain injury, on top of a lot of other major problems. He was on life support when I got there.

I was so scared of losing him. He was the only family I had left. If he left me, I would be alone. But he pulled through. It took months and months of surgeries and therapy, going in and out of the hospital, then learning to walk and talk again.

Taking care of him was the only option. I never thought about letting anyone else do it or putting him in a care facility of any kind. I hated the thought of it honestly. When I wasn’t working, I was with him. And I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

He made so much improvement in 2 years. He learned to walk with a prosthetic leg and crutches, which gave him a lot of his independence back. He had a hard time talking, but he could do it. Other people assumed he was mentally challenged because of his speech, but he wasn’t. He was just as sharp as before, his brain just had trouble making his body do what he wanted it too. But he was still himself and just as smart as always.

That was our life for over 2 years. Me taking care of him and him slowly getting a little better over time. I lost friends over it. They didn’t understand why I couldn’t hang out with them like I used too. But my brother has mobility problems, especially when he first came home, and his brain injury affected his memory as well. There are days when he can remember every detail of what he has done all day and then there are days when he has no clue where he is or why he can’t move correctly or talk clearly. He never forgets me or who I am, so on days like that I stayed there and kept him company.

I didn’t resent my life. I loved my brother. He was there when I needed him and I never once thought about not doing the same thing for him.

And then last week he had a stroke. It just came out of nowhere. One minute he was fine and we were just sitting there talking, the next thing I know he’s saying his head hurts and starts vomiting. It went down hill from there.

The doctor said it was probably from weakened blood vessels bursting in his brain around the area that was injured. I called for an ambulance but it took them 10 minutes to get there, felt like an eternity honestly.

He was brain dead by the time we got to the hospital and there was nothing they could do besides put him on life support. But this time, there was no hope for any quality of life. His body was alive but he wasn’t there anymore, as much as I wanted him to be.

So I had to make a decision and I knew what he would have wanted even if it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to keep holding on as long as could. He might not be awake but at least I could still visit and hold his hand. But it wasn’t about me. It was about him and I knew he wouldn’t want to be kept like this.

So I let him go. I held his hand the whole time.

It felt unreal. I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare, but it was my life not a dream I could escape from. I had thought the worst was behind us. That he was going to keep getting better and need me less and less. I thought he would be around when eventually I found someone and got married. Walk me down the aisle. Things like that.

But he won’t be there. I’m by myself for the first time and I have no idea what to do. I don’t know what to do with his things. I don’t even know what to do about a funeral. He always told me he wanted to be cremated, which is what I did for him after donating his organs, which was also his wish. But we don’t have family. It was always just us and our mom until she passed. His friends all dropped out of our lives after his accident and it doesn’t really seem right to have a funeral for just me and 2 of my friends that knew him. A funeral with only 3 people there for the person that passed just feels depressing and I feel angry just thinking about it. He deserves better than that.

I can’t decide if I’m more sad that he’s gone or that I just realized it seems like there is no one besides me and a handful of people that will miss him.

My friend asked me if maybe I wanted to try and reach out to the people who received his healthy organs, but I don’t know if that’s even an option. I wrote a letter to whoever got his heart. I’m not sure how I would send it to them or even if I can. But it felt good just to put my feelings down on paper. To talk about what an amazing person he was and how he would be happy to know that he was able to help someone in that way.

I just want someone to know about my brother and how much he sacrificed to take care of me when I needed him. He was an amazing person and my life feels empty without him. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel that way but I can’t help it. I just feel lost.