For the past 8 years i was off and on with a man who was a monster. Rape, stalking, breaking into my home, manipulation, lies, cheating, beating me. you name it, he did it. 4 years ago, we had a child. the child was supposed to be adopted but at the last minute, i backed out. i kept our child. i thought it would make him change, treat me better. make him act more like a human. it didnt work. hes done nothing but use our child as another way to manipulate me. Now, during that relationship i met a friend named James. without him, i wouldnt have survived. he helped me through EVERYTHING. he was my rock, my sanity. we lost contact for close to 2 years. James leaving sent me into a massive downward spiral. i started drinking heavily to block out everything i had been through. 2 months ago, i got away from my sons father and James and i got in contact again and now I'm dating james. im writing this because ive come to realize how horrible my problems from this past relationship really are. i have a hard time trusting james, even though hes the one who protected me for years. hes the only one who stayed to make sure i was okay through it. we do have sex but maybe once every 2 weeks because i have a hard time with initiating it and following through because of my past. ive had nightmares for the past week, im beyond paranoid 24/7. i need help getting over my past.... James is unbelievably understanding with it and he doesn't ever do anything to make me feel bad about the way i am, hes literally perfect. but since we started dating, ive had a hard time even talking to him simply because hes my boyfriend. no other reason. i feel im unable to give him the love he deserves and i want to get over my problems for him, for my son, and for myself..... i know i need counseling, professional help but i cant afford it. my anxiety is to the point i cant work, i can hardly leave the house without a panic attack. i dont know what to do or where to turn so i came here. anyone whos been through this, please help me. i want my life back.