Last night my long term bf's best friend came over out of the blue. He wound up telling my bf that he was low and had been thinking of killing himself for a cpl years. (Coincidentally, about the same amount of time my bf and I have been together.) My bf told me this and said, "I'm going to give him whatever he needs right now. This is serious and I need to give him all my attention right now." The look in his eyes just screamed that he could not bare to lose his friend. As if his whole world would collapse if he did. He was desperate to not let his friend go on feeling this way. I love that he cares so much for his friend, I really do and I love Derick (his bf)to death. However, I have battled suicidal thoughts since I was about 10. I went through pretty much constant abuse from 7-18. My bf knows all this. When I've told him about the abuse he doesn't react, he let's me talk then promptly redirects the conversation away from it. When I've expressed that I was feeling hopeless at times and thinking of ending my own life he also didn't really react much. He basically said he didn't know what to do for me and that I should see a counselor or get some medication. We've talked and I've told him how to help me and he has tried some, most of the times I just had to pull myself out of it and keep going. I had always just told my self that he really didn't know how to handle it and that he was just avoiding it/me bc, of that but, now I know how he reacts to it when it is someone he really cares about. Yes, I'm jealous of his reaction to Derick. It makes me wonder if he really cares about me or if he just cares about what he gets out of me. I would not kill myself before my children are grown, he knows this. Plus, now I have his kids to think of who are much younger than mine. I wonder if that security just makes him think my pain isn't anything to worry too much over bc, I have at least 10 years before the kids are gone. I often wonder if I will be able to gather the strength to keep going after the kids are gone. I honestly don't think I will. It's so hard knowing I'm only living for others. That I'm only here bc, I can't bare the thought of the pain I would cause my kids. The long term trauma it might cause them to lose me in that way so young. I was doing really amazing for several months. I was pretty happy and content with things. This has sent all of that crashing down. Plus, I can't even bring it up to my bf. I know it will just distract him from his friend who needs him. Derick doesm't have kids keeping him here and I do. I just have to stay sent and hope this eventually passes. I hate being low but, right now I'm in a deep hole and I wish it would just pour rain and drown me. I just wish someone lived me simply for me like he does Derick. Lived me for just being and not for all I do for them or all the support & help they get out of me. I feel like those are the only reasons people like me anymore, not for who I am, not for me.