so this is going to be horrible. but. I've suffered from my eating disorder my whole life pretty much. starting when I was 9 years old. I've been trying to stay on recovery since I had my first born almost 2 years ago. I was 110lbs in a size 00 when i found out I was pregnant... now here I am pregnant with number 2 and weighing in at 209. my doctor even called me fat. I dont want to eat anymore. I've been forcing my self to eat this whole pregnancy, cause I'm never hungry. and now. my motivation is gone. I HATE my body. I haven't looked in the mirror for almost 8 months... but I see my face in pictures, it's so fat and round. my doctor told me no salt no sugar. in the very beginning. that's what I've been doing. and I'm still gaining like a cow. again he told me stop waking sugar. you know what mother fucker the last sugary thing I had, was almost 4 months ago. and it was a diet coke. I'm on bed rest so I cant fucking work out, and you call me fat "you've got to much fat to properly measureypur babys size". knowing I have an eating disorder. part of me wishes I never had kids. but then my heart breaks, because my sons my world and I'm so excited about my daughter. and I remember the love I have for them. and I hate myself for even having an eating disorder. and I start to think my kids would be better off with out me, they deserve a mom who dosnt have body issues to the point she starved her self for years. they deserve a mom who's healthy mentally and physically and can give them the child hood they deserve... I keep telling myself, I'll lose the weight the right way. but it never works I lived off of fruits and vegetables for almost a whole year and gained almost 50 pounds while still going to the gym 3 times a week for over an hour at a time. my doctor couldn't tell me why I wasnt losing weight. but starving, starving works. but it kills you. slowly.

the ignorance in some people's comments. I ate NOTHING but bananas strawberries, and salad made from spinach and lemons for my dressing. and that didnt work while also going to the gym 3 times a week doing kick boxing traning. even my doctor couldn't figure out how I had managed to gain.

and people kept saying you must be cheating on your diet. when no if anything I was not eating enough. this is why people with eating disorders dont come forward. everyone thinks they know everything. when I started starving myself I made 1 Quaker oats bar last me 3 days a piece a day. that's when I started losing weight while going to the gym, I list more than 75 lbs in 4 months.