Am I not being an understanding friend or am I right to feel upset and hurt? (Trigger warning)

Question

I have this friend who I care for very much. She has recently suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks pregnant. I really do feel for her. I personally suffered three miscarriages and a still birth before having my kids. But, I’m having a very hard time talking to her right now. 
Seven months ago my husband and eldest child were hit by an impaired driver, after weeks of surgeries and intensive care we lost our daughter. She was 5 and 3/4, beautiful, smart, told the most un-funny jokes you had to laugh and she was so kind. I was watching her become a person and so excited for her future and that was all taken away from us. I have no words to describe the pain my family has felt over this. But, for my personal experience the pain of a miscarriage/still birth is nothing compared to actually burying a child you got to know. 
I do not want to diminish my fiends feelings or her pain. I want to be there for her. But, she says things that equate losing her child at 9 weeks pregnant to me losing my nearly 6 year old daughter. To me those things aren’t comparable at all. She hadn’t even felt her child move yet, picked out a name or started preparing for the baby to arrive. I’ve spent years holding my child, teaching her, talking to her, loving her. For me it’s so incredibly different and it hurts every time she says things like “Im glad we’re going through losing our children together”. What she’s going through doesn’t compare with what my family is dealing with. Her and husband are grieving, I get that. But, they don’t have a physical empty spot at their dinner table every single day. They don’t have a bedroom filled with reminders that they physically can’t go into. They don’t have to watch their other kids calling for a sister who just isn’t there anymore. They’re not in therapy three times a week. She hasn’t had to take any time of work, because she can’t cope enough to be present. My family is in shambles and we’re barely hanging on right now. Hearing that we’re going through the same thing just feels cruel and for me, I feel like she’s diminishing what my family is suffering right now. I don’t even think she realizes what her comments do to me and I do know the pain she feels is very real and it does hurt. But, it’s different. 
I haven’t said anything to her as of yet, but I want to tell her that I do not want to talk about this subject any more. I wouldn’t mention anything else, just that I don’t want to talk about it. But, I don’t want to hurt her or be a bad friend. Would it be so wrong to tell her that we can’t talk about this anymore?

Answer

It's not wrong. I agree with you 100%. You may need to do a slow fade from her.
I am so sorry for your loss. That is every parent's worst nightmare. A miscarriage definitely doesn't compare. Take care of yourself and your family; your friend can find support elsewhere.

Answer

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I truly hope you and your family are able to pull through this and be stronger for it. 
I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. Feelings are valid, because even if someone else doesn’t agree with your feelings YOU are still feeling them. Obviously talking about this with this friend is hurting you, so I think not talking about it would probably help you. You need to care for yourself before you can care for others. You can ask to stop talking about this is a way that doesn’t put any blame on her. For example, tell her that talking about losing children and miscarriages is making things worse for you, so you’d like to stop talking about it for now. Just say you need to deal with this on your own for a while and you hope she can understand. Tell her you want to be there for her, but it’s getting too hard right now. Do you know anyone else she could talk to? Maybe even a support group you could suggest to her? That way she could talk to someone else and still get support. 
You’re allowed to have feelings, it’s how act on them that make us bad friends/people.

Answer

Your feelings are valid, I could never consider comparing my miscarriages to your loss. I could not even think about what would happen if I lost my 4 year old and I am so so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. However, your friend has never been a parent, never been in your situation and in her eyes it is the same. The way I see it is when pet owners compare their animals to children, they genuinely believe it's the same but it is no where near the same. I don't think your friend is being a bad friend but I do think if you don't address this situation you may end up one friend less. You need to try and talk to her about it. Try not to lessen her loss, remind her you have had miscarriages before so you do understand her pain but comparing it to losing your 5 year old girl is not ok, it's not the same and you find it very hurtful and upsetting. You need to do this for  you and for your friendship xx

Answer

She’s grieving and rightfully so but she is being insensitive to your situation which is clearly different and as you said, completely incomparable. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. I think that if it’s making things harder on you when they must already be so hard then you need to distance yourself from her for your own sake. Good luck with it all, I wish you and your family all the best xx

Answer

I get what you mean but your pain doesn’t take away from her pain. She can’t have the same pain because it’s not the same thing. 
Tell her you prefer not talk about thaat subject because it’s still raw for you and too sensible to talk about it. Explain why you prefer not talking about it.
I’m sorry about what you are going through.

Answer

I'm sorry for you loss to your dear daughter. she will always live in your heart. every loss is different every person is different I had a miscarriage back in Jan, it hurt me emotionally, but I figure it would hurt much more to lose a dear child I knew and raised. I can't imagine how much you're hurting right now but I do hope you find some peace and healing. I can't possibly put both losses into equation your friend needs to respect that she can't be comparing something so different. I hope she may understand in time but I would kind of take distance a bit  from this friend.

Answer

My problem with this whole thing is that she would even think to compare those two things as equal. Even if her child was born and you guys were going through the exact same situation I couldn’t imagine being their for another person going through a similar incident. I’d need my own space and time to grieve. How does she expect you to be there for her in any capacity. You need to take care of your mental health for you and your family.

Answer

I think you should talk to her about the situations not being the same. Don’t be rude about it just state that it hurts you when she compares the two.

Answer

She is absolutely wrong and SHE is the one being insensitive even trying to equate the two. I could understand if she was saying “I’m glad to talk to someone who understands what it’s like going through a miscarriage” but what she is saying is completely out of line. I wouldn’t be able to be there for someone saying comments like that. You’re already having a hard enough time and don’t need comments like that bringing you down even more.

Answer

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing a child during pregnancy but I can’t fathom losing a child you had for 6 years. I think your feelings are absolute valid but maybe for your friend, it’s not that she’s comparing your situations but she knows that you understand the pain. People cope differently and she see you as a person to turn to and values your opinion? Just my two cents - and I know they’re not worth much. You could also ask your therapist about how to go about it - if you haven’t already. They’re better trained and might know a way to handle this that works for both of you. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Know that your family is in my prayers. 💕

Am I not being an understanding friend or am I right to feel upset and hurt? (Trigger warning)

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