im just so tired of feeling this way. its been a rough couple of months: i ended a unhealthy relationship, i was raped by my ex in that relationship and never told anyone but my cousin and current bf, then my mom left me the next day it happened because of drugs and i had to move in with my aunt where i was miserable because it didnt feel like home and i missed my mom and i constantly felt like if i did the wrong thing my aunt would threaten to send me and my sister away, then my mom did come back and i am living with her rn but it's been hard because shes in a position where if she does the wrong thing my aunt will probably take us away from her since she has custody. which she tried to one time just because my mom had an anxiety attack because of her meds and she lied to me and said that my mom was back on doing drugs. and well she said we were moving back in with her and we got into this whole argument and she called the cops on me but i still made sure my sister and i didnt go back with her until i talked to my mom. and basically my aunt told my mom and her family that i tried to fight her which is a complete lie. but the point is that ever since then ive been so afraid of being taken away from my mom. and ik thats not my aunts fault only but also my moms because she left me in the first place but i hate feeling this way. i hate feeling like my mom will randomly disappear everytime she goes somewhere. i hate feeling like my aunt will take advantage of my mom being at work and just come and try to take us away from my mom. i hate the idea of losing her.

and i told my aunt i was miserable when i lived with her because i was. i just wasnt okay and my little sister told me shr wanted to kill herself.

but ive been constantly so stressed and worried about losing my mom and just making scenarios in my head that sometimes i take a step back and realize that nothing is happening in my life atm. but idk sometimes I'll just think about not being with my mom and it leads to other thoughts and i just hate myself so much and get so emotional i cry. like sometimes I'll be doing something like watch a video and I'll randomly think of something else and cry.

and i hate it because im not even the type of person who cries a lot.

but i just feel so alone. i feel so weak and dumb and like i try too hard or like im not trying enough.

especially being with my bf. he's just so great and everything and i love him but sometimes its so draining. sometimes i feel like i cant tell him anything because it's just tiring to talk about my problems. ive even tried venting on here many times but didnt because just trying to get my thoughts straight or typing everything i feel is so overhwelming and draining.

ig the only reason im venting this time is because im so fucking tired of feeling this way. and i dont know why i do. i don't know why i keep stressing and crying and being emotional when nothing is going in in my life rn

i literally just crued while typing this.

but how do i stop feeling this way? i dont feel like i could ever go to a therapist because of other reason, i don't have friends and i don't feel like ill get any soon, i cant open up to my sister or mom because i just dont want them to feel bad or think im weak, i cant even text someone anonymously or vent online for help because its rare for me to not feel so tired about speaking up.

sometimes ill be fine and act normal but other times I'll just cry and get angry and just feel like complete shit. sometimes I'll want to try to get better and be healthier and other times i just hate myself so much and feel like i deserve how i feel. or sometimes i just feel like im so used to feeling this way that i dont know if i even really wanna feel any other way. and sometimes id just rather not be here. like i dont wanna die but sometimes i really dont wanna be alive.

whats wrong with me...