in this moment i feel...everything. the problem w/ feeling everything is that nothing is cohesive, nothing matches, nothing makes sense. i don’t know which feelings are fact-based & which are merely speculation. all of these feelings are driving me to tobacco & killing my appetite. everything is so loud & obnoxious in my head rn, it makes me wish i were a robot & i could just shut down for a while. i wish i could only be awake when my son is awake. seeing him smile always makes me happy...but when he’s asleep & see his handsome, innocent face, i go into a protective rage. due to recent events within my “home” & on the outside world, idk who i can trust. i don’t even feel like i have a home tbh. i want so badly to restore my sanity, my independence & my $$$ but i’m absolutely terrified of leaving my son in the care of anyone else. i’ve seen too much baby abuse & i don’t wanna end up on first 48 bc someone harmed my child. i’m also nervous about that bc i know he’s unable to tell me if someone has harmed him. i want to be w/ him every waking moment to ensure he’s ok but i also want to care for myself. see the conflict?? my boyf...ex-boyfr...baby’s daddy says that i “flip flop” because i’m confused about life rn. i’m confused about my place in his life, i put so much into our relationship & it feels like it’s being regurgitated on me while i’m in my favorite outfit. it’s hard to believe that he ever loved me, all i’ve been able to think about is the dysfunction of us. i can’t remember a time when i was completely happy w/ him but i’ve grown so attached to him that it’s almost impossible to fathom being totally alone. i guess that’s a reality i have to face now. that makes me extremely anxious & emotional. our relationship seems to have been built on lie after lie. i have his son & he still barely respects me. anytime i feel like i need to express how he made me feel, how much he’s compromised this relationship, he tells me to leave him alone. i feel like it doesn’t mean anything to him whether he & i are together or not. i feel like i made my son by myself. i feel like i’m the only one truly who cares about me & even then, i barely do. i’ve been feeling suicidal lately, like if i just stay under water long enough that everything will be silenced. a sweet release of all emotion, all fears, all hopelessness, all anxiety. but i know how selfish that’d be, my son needs me. he’s become so accustomed to seeing me when he wakes up, that he smiles @ me every time... i think that’s enough for me to carry on. my sweet baby boy, Zion.