Rough memories *possible trigger*

Very Long... sorry.

9 years ago I met a guy "Mike" I'll call him. He was a soldier and came into my work, when I told him I've been considering joining the military he gave me his number and said to call whenever if I would like to chat about it. I did that night because my ex broke up with me and was holding me back from joining. Next thing you know we got coffee, chatted, and he took me to his recruiter. He told me if I'd like a work out buddy until basic training he'd be happy to run with me. We did a few time then it turned into workout/make out. Eventually we were hooking up here and there.

One night he asked if I wanted to come over and have some drinks. When I got there his friend was there, I'll call him "Joe". His friend was also Military but for a different unit. We were hanging out, watching TV drinking and talking about the military and "Mike" and I ended up going to his room leaving "Joe" in the living room because he was "tired". In the middle of sex "Mike" went to the kitchen for a drink. He came back in and we carried on with what we were doing. All the sudden "Joe" came in. I quickly covered myself with my hands and before I knew it he was on top of me. I think I froze? Idk. I couldn't stop him, I couldn't talk at first. Eventually my mind kicked in and I tried pushing him off, I was shaking my head no. I was saying "no" but now I don't know if I said it loud enough, or it was in my mind or what. I tried grabbing for "Mike" and he just grabbed my hand and put it on his "self". I felt I couldn't control anything, "Joe" was practically laying on me with all his weight. My eyes started to water. After it was over I went to the bathroom and cried.

I didn't understand what happened. Shoot, I still don't. I consented to "Mike" not "Joe", not to a threesome. I was 19y.o I didn't have much experience in sex as it was. I was very naive.

"Mike" Texted me the next day said things got out of hand and apologized and said he and "Joe" got into a fight. I went off to basic training maybe like a week later, the very little sleep and no time to think about anything I just brushed it off. By the time I was done with all the training and back to my unit (same one as "Mike's") 90% of my Unit was deployed for a year..along with "Mike".

I knew I wasn't going to say anything because I felt it was my fault too... I shouldn't have trusted so easily, I shouldn't have been there drinking, I should have pushed harder, I should have been more firm... ect. I knew I had to forgive, I was with that unit with him for 2 years before moving 4,000 miles with my new husband. Not once did we talk about that night. Not once did we talk about our "relationship" before everything. It was as if things never happened. As for "Joe".. I don't even know his name. he was no longer in his unit when I was done with training.

So, here I am.. 9 years later. Memories used to pop up here and there but this past year it's been more frequently, no clue why. It's always when I have trouble sleeping. I cringe when I think of it... how naive I was and how it went down. The experience don't mess with my current sex life, or really and aspect, other than a random memory. I'm happily married for 6 years. I learned to push it aside and take it as a "bad night" with poor choices.

Anyways.. this is the first time I've told anyone, that's why it's anonymous. Maybe some advice, if any? on how to let go of that part of my past. I've been going back and forth with the "was I raped?" I feel I was but I feel it's my fault too. I have no plans of telling anyone openly. My husband doesn't know.. he's military and a higher rank and I'm afraid he'd push me into speaking up.