Hello, my name is Ronni and this is the first time I’m going to actually talk about my first abusive relationship that I left almost 10 months ago.

Warning this is going to be long.

So I’m 16, I turn 17 in a little more than a week, I’m a rising senior in high school and like most teenagers, I’ve had my fair share of relationships.

My freshman year, I met a guy, who I’ll call John just to keep it anonymous, and he was a junior at the time. We kind of hit it off and there I was, a little freshman, so excited about possibly dating an upperclassman. The more I got to know John, the more I saw how broken he was, and how childish he was. He never had the best relationship with his dad, he walked out on their family when he was around 6. And seeing his dad care about his new kids more than his first two sons hit him really hard.

So John and I dated from January until July, a pretty solid amount of time for a high school relationship. But I broke up with him the first time because of how unavailable he was. After months of what was great and cute and flirty, turned into being ignored, being on my own, feeling like I had no boyfriend. He worked at a camp and he would text me like 2 times a week if I was lucky. So I called it off and I felt great.

John is the type of guy who prides himself on being a nice guy, on being a gentleman. The “I’m not like those assholes” kind of guy. That was the first red flag when he would constantly pride himself on being the best thing that ever happened to me. That he knew how to treat a lady better than I did.

I went to a part two weeks after I first broke up with him and I kissed someone, someone he knew and he saw and screamed “whore” to my face. So much for being a gentleman but I went on my way for the rest of the night.

Fast forward to September when school starts again and him and I are working on the same play together in our theatre company. And he would constantly tell my best friend who he was close with, that he was going to kill him self, that he was cutting himself, he hated me, and that it was all my fault. That if he died, he would blame it on me. And this was something that went on for about a month where I just felt so terrible. So we got back together.

That was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

We went through a “honey moon phase” and I thought everything was going to be great now. And that’s when I lost my virginity to a man who I felt like I owed love to. The second time we had sex the condom broke and I wasn’t on Birth Control yet so I texted my best friend and asked if she would drive me to CVS so I could get a Plan B pill. I was terrified and John came with us. I asked him if he would come up with me to the counter so I wouldn’t be so scared and he said no. He said no because he was embarrassed and humiliated to be be next to a girl who needed to buy a Plan B pill, and went to the car. Leaving me alone with my friend, and she was so sweet in calming me down and buying it for me. That was red flag number 2.

After a few months, he wouldn’t stop telling me how lonely he was. That I should see him instead of my guy friends. I large majority of my friends are guys and I didn’t get to see them as much because he would accuse me of being unfaithful for just wanting to see my friends. He would tell me that I wasn’t there for him enough, that I was the reason he was lonely and that I should be doing more to make him happy. Red flag number 3.

Now it’s August, I’m still with him because I was terrified of him blaming me for hurting himself and I didn’t want that emotional baggage on me. So this was the summer that I was like, I wonder what weed is like, just to get it out of the way. So I tried it with someone I trusted, and someone I knew was a very close friend of Johns. And when I told him, he screamed at me, telling me I was no better than his father. He told me that I was going to end up like his dad one day. And that I was going to become a cokehead like his dad. I tried to get out of his car since we were in front of my house and he locked the door and grabbed my arm and wouldn’t let go. He told me that we were going to talk. I had a bruise on my arm for weeks. I told people I got it from my dog knocking me over. That was the last red flag.

I put up with this until October of my junior year, where he had just started college and no matter how much I tried to support him, he would blame me for not visiting him at NYU. One weekend when he was home, I lashed out at him. I lashed out at him for how unfair he was to me. How he would ask to have sex one night and I wouldn’t want to and he would talk about how I shouldn’t since he’s so unattractive and I don’t want to be with him and how he would manipulate me into sleeping with him. I felt disgusting. I felt like I had no more control over myself. I told him I was sick of being compared to his dad when all I did was support him and abandon my friends to spend time with him.

That’s when he finally said “I’ll take care of you, it’ll be all about you, remember I’m still that gentleman you fell in love with.”

I said no. And walked back to my house alone. I called him the next night and broke up with him on October 12th, 2017. It was the most alive I had ever felt. I haven’t spoken to him since.

But I know what he’s said about me since I left him. He’s called me a whore, a bitch, a liar, a slut. So much for a gentleman right?

Ever since leaving John, I’ve never felt better about myself, I feel beautiful again, I have control over my body again, I’m not afraid of being grabbed again. I’m me. And now I’m dating my guy best friend who has been there for me longer than John ever was. And I’ve never been happier reclaiming myself, my strength and my own body and future. It’s crazy how much can happen in 2 years, but leaving my abuser after he emotionally tore me town and manipulated me has made ma a stronger woman. And it’s such a relief letting it go.