I need someone to listen

I don’t know what my problem is why I’m going through this.

So my husband and I dated from 3 years before he popped the question. Problem os when he asked me I had planned on moving back to my home town because I was done waiting. Well I stayed and married him;)

For 3.5 years we struggled to get pregnant. Two failed treatments and many heartbreaks. We had IVF planned for this September then “surprise” God showed up in May and there’s a bun in the oven! I’m so grateful that He saved us from IVF. But literally during my tww I had no suspicions on being pregnant because I never am. During my tww I had decided I was canceling our IVF plans and that I didn’t need kids and Im just done with that dream.

On the day we found out we we’re expecting, I cried tears of relief rather than joy. I was excited and eager. Now I’m 12w3d and I’m mad at God. I had decided I was done with this and now you show up? Why now? So what I have to give up and be bitter and sad to get the desires of my heart? Is that the key? I know His timing is perfect and honestly this baby is perfectly timed!!! But why did He make us wait so long? Why did He wait until I walked away from my dream? Twice? 😞 How do I get back to being excited again?