Feeling Frustrated

I swear my husband just doesn’t care or understand me anymore. This past week has made me realize just how alone I am.

My child never went to sleep last night. I tucked her in, read to her, she didn’t nap yesterday but for some reason lately she hasn’t been sleeping. So she decided to stay up all night! At one point she did fall asleep for a whopping hour and a half. By the time I got to close my eyes, my husbands alarm for work went off. We had talked about working out in the mornings together and I have really been wanting to, so he rolls over and tried to wake me up. I was so out of it and I passed back out. He gets pissy with me!!! And then comes back and wake me up to make his coffee and lunch. I was up ALL night, no sleep all week on top of that, my child was STILL awake but he had the nerve to wake me up for something that would literally take him 5 minutes. Now don’t get me wrong, I go above and beyond for my husband and I don’t mind doing things for him. BUT when he sees that I’m struggling or crying in the bed because I’m so fucking stressed out and empty and depressed and just need a damn break, that’s when it gets to me.

I feel like everything is falling apart lately. We have been trying to conceive with no luck so far. My period is late but at this point I’m kinda hoping my period comes. I am behind in everything in this house, I barely have time to wash my hair or eat. I don’t get time for myself, I don’t have family or friends to help. I have no one to vent to. I tried venting to my husband this morning and he basically told me to get over it that it’s all in my head. I do everything and anything, all day everyday for him and my daughter. I get no breaks, no time for myself. I have given my all to them and I am running on E. I have become to depressed in recent months and it’s only gotten worse. I cry all the time and I just don’t like waking up and facing my life. I feel like I’m failing as a mom and a wife. I feel so hollow and used up. I’m only 24 and I feel so much older and I am looking so much older because I’m so tired and sad all the time. If my husband just showed that he gave a shit and helped out just a little, and not even that, but like acknowledging that I’m falling apart and being there for me. Also, I had a miscarriage and my due date is creeping up. So that’s been difficult and again, he just says these half hearted nonchalant things and it makes me wonder if he really gives a shit at all about me anymore. I literally told him I was struggling with depression and told him how i was struggling with things and he acted as if I was being dramatic and to “smile, she won’t be two forever”. Wtf??! So I’m not talking to him anymore today. I can’t stand to say another word to him i am so disappointed and disgusted. Im breaking down trying to keep his selfish ass happy and needs met along with our kid and dogs and he could literally care fucking less. I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. The rest of my life is falling apart and now it feels like my marriage is. I have a feeling he isn’t being faithful anyways..

I’m so lost and defeated. I don’t know what else to do or give. I can’t quit or give up, this is my life. When you can’t take the time to take care of yourself and your well being, it’s so hard to keep going. I just can’t stop crying and wishing he cared and would help somehow. He makes sure he has time to hang out with guy friends and go to the gym because it helps him “release some steam and recharge”, well why can’t he do the same for me. I am with my child 24/7 and he never offers to watch her or anything. It’s always “I need to go here or do this, and I need you to clean this or go take care of this”. I feel like I’m just a maid. If he acted like he appreciated me and cared I wouldn’t mind so much. But like I said, I feel so used up. I used to be so happy and I balanced things so well, and now I’m just drowning in everything. I need my husband so much right now and he just doesn’t give a fuck.. I don’t want pills or a fix or anything, that isn’t going to help anything. I want my husband to care, I want him to see me and see how I’m hurting and fucking be there for me. I want him to be supportive through this depression and act like it’s a serious thing and not an oh get over it thing. Maybe I’m asking too much and I need to accept things for how they are. I knew being a wife and mom wasn’t going to be a walk in the park but I never thought I would feel this low and alone...