My Miscarriage Story. (Long but please read)

In April, I got my positive! Being that I’m so young(15), I was terrified but family is something I value deeply so in the bottom of my heart I was happy. I was severely depressed and then I found out I was expecting and I suddenly felt I had something to live for.

At 9 weeks, I was forced to “announce” my pregnancy. A friend of mine had “accidentally” spilled the news to a girl who didn’t like me; girls in highschool are cruel, so she outted me. Posted my pregnancy test and all. I’m pretty popular (hate how that sounds) and the news quickly spread around the county. Me and my baby on the way were the trending topic at my school and neighboring schools. Since it was announced so early, I wasn’t showing at all by the time we got out in June so people took it upon themselves to harass me for the last month and say I was “faking my pregnancy”.

In June I found out I was having a girl and I was due December 5th!

Over summer, I chose to keep updates about the pregnancy restricted to close friends who I trust a lot. I have a large social media following (500 people who all live in my area). These people were aware of the pregnancy but only about 30 of them were kept in the loop. I would occasionally post subliminal hints and answer questions/send picture updates if anyone asked but for the most part everything was kept quite private.

On August 6th I was admitted to the hospital with symptoms of viral meningitis; my fever reached 106 degrees and I was have convulsions. They did an ultrasound and told me they couldn’t find my daughters heartbeat. They assumed it was weak from stress so they gave me pills to bring the fever down & let me get comfortable and about two hours later confirmed I had lost the baby. I was confused (probably from the meningitis) so it never really registered in my mind. Didn’t register in my mind when I had the dilation and evacuation procedure three days later or while I was lying in the hospital bed for the next week. I stayed to receive treatment for the meningitis, it was a less serious type but I had trouble holding down food and they wanted to monitor my fever to make sure I didn’t have any more seizures.

I went home on the 19th of August and am receiving questions from friends wanting to know about the pregnancy. I’m expected to return to school on Thursday (earliest I’m allowed back to school after the meningitis) with a pregnancy belly. Unfortunately that won’t happen anymore. I lost a tremendous amount of weight being as I was constantly throwing up and sweating and am back to my size before I got pregnant with no effort.

I’ve announced the loss to a few friends and most family knows via my parents, but the majority of people barely even know that I was in the hospital, let alone that I lost my sweet Jasmine Aleiya.

I’m terrified to go to school on Thursday and deal with questions from everyone who either didn’t believe me or were expecting me to have my big belly. And I have no idea how to announce a tragic end to a pregnancy I wasn’t public with.

All I know is that I feel empty, I feel like I failed everyone, I feel cheated out of happiness. I was young but I knew I was going to be a good mother. I love my daughter with all my heart. Even though she’s not here I still consider her my daughter, I don’t know if that’s strange or not. I miss my girl and her little kicks so much. I miss the peace and serenity of knowing I was carrying a baby, MY baby inside of me. I miss it all. My heart is so broken.

If you read all of this, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I feel I have nobody to talk to; my baby’s father was never around, no friends really understand, and all I hear is “everything happens for a reason”. But what was the reason in having my angel take from me?

To my sweet girl: I love you Jasmine Aleiya, you came in this world far too soon and left me forever on August 9th. But I know you’re watching over mommy right now. You’ve changed me forever and made me a better person. I’ll never forget you. I love you and miss you and am counting the days until we meet again.💘.