Feeling guilty... selfish...

So my little princess just turned 1year old two days ago! Of course I have mixed feelings about this. I’m so proud of her because she’s developing and growing, but at the same time my heart is breaking because I want my baby back!! The point being, my baby girl is still small.

Well, my coworker just told us that she is pregnant! I couldn’t be more happy for her because she has been trying for two years and has finally been blessed! When she first told me I squeezed her and cried happy tears for her... but now I’m feeling mixed emotions.

My period was about a week late. So naturally the thought of pregnancy crossed my mind more than once! My husband and I aren’t trying and aren’t planning on having more children for a while, but I still got excited over the possibility! I loved being pregnant. It gave me a sense of purpose and made me feel important. So once I finally got my period, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointment.

Anywho, now that some time has passed, I’m starting to feel jealous of my coworker... and I HATE it! She deserves this pregnancy! I want to be nothing but happy for her! I feel guilty for feeling this way because I have my baby, I also have a four year old! It’s her time. I know how it feels to work so hard towards a pregnancy because we struggled to get pregnant with my daughter...

She keeps asking me questions because this is her first pregnancy and she doesn’t want to ask her family because they overreact and stress her out. I’m happy to answer her questions and comfort her worries, but at the same time it makes me miss the excitement of all the changes that pregnancy brings! It confuses me because it makes me want another baby. It makes me want to be pregnant.... but on the other hand I’m already struggling to juggle my four year old starting Pre-K, spending time with my one year old, working, and being a wife.... it would be dumb to add to the craziness with another baby.

So long story short, idk what to do to get rid of these guilty, jealous, selfish feelings and just be happy for my coworker and my own family... I just feel empty...