Sex... I’m in and then suddenly way out

Bare with me ladies. Because I’m about to make myself sound very crazy.

This weekend was amazing. My birthday weekend away with my boyfriend and his friends. We went up to my boyfriends buddy’s parents house up north. It was incredible. I had so much fun.

Only to then last night feel like I fucked up my relationship. I can’t understand what’s wrong with me. More like I don’t know what’s going on in my own head.

For the past couple months, I’ve felt so not myself. And my and my boyfriend have talked about me going and seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school, managed it and was doing better. Suddenly this year it decided to show it’s awful face again.

It makes me love my boyfriend and then not want to be near him within 5 minutes. I’ve been fighting my head for the better part of a month now. I absolutely love this man to death. He has been my rock and I cannot imagine my life without him. But then I have these awful moments where I think to myself “dump him. Leave him. He’s going to do the same to you because of how crazy you act all the time. Just wait it’s going to happen”. So I start the cycle all over again.

We literally were laying in bed (after I had a couple drinks that night. Mind you I haven’t drank for about 4 years now. I don’t like the feeling but I felt like the odd ball out)

Things start to get heated and we decide we are going to try to have sex. Within 5 minutes of me wanting it, the feeling was gone and I just wanted to go to bed. It seemed like a better idea anyways. But it absolutely broke him. I ended up just finishing the rest because I didn’t want him to feel bad but ended up doing so in the process because then he felt like he just used me.

Thus began the persistent crying till about 4 am this morning. Because I was so mad at myself. “Why do I keep feeling this way to this man?” I’ve been feeling “bored” in our sexual routine and I’ve wanted to spice it up but I was his first and he is a lot less experienced then I am.

Needless to say the car ride home was not the greatest. Nor was him turning away from me constantly that night. I was sick to my stomach and I thought in my head “this is it. He’s going to leave me this time.”

I forgot to mention that after 7 years in the field I’m working in, I no longer want to go back. I’ve decided to pick a different route and find a full time retail job in the meantime to pay the bills I have.

I don’t know if this is a boat load of stress, the fact that I’m turning 26 this year and feel like I’ve failed and have to start all over, or if my mind is trying to tell me something. I love this man so much. I feel like I can be myself around him. Always.

I don’t know what else to say other then to ask if anyone has had this. So full of stress about life and anxiety and feeling depressed that you just feel checked out or feel like you need to push that special person out of your life out of fear they will leave you first.

Can some of you girls help me out? 😢❤️💔

Love Rosalyn