Feeling pretty empty today... MC 10wks (long read)

Bleeding started on Thursday evening, it was pretty light and I figured it was just spotting, no cramps. Friday, Saturday, Sunday it just progressively got worse with some pressure in my pelvic area. Nothing that I needed a pad for, a panty liner was fine.

Saturday - My husband (in the Army) was packing up to leave for a month of training and I wasn’t about to sit at the ER for hours on the last night we had together. Sunday AM - I called the L&D after hours line and she told me if I wasn’t soaking a pad per hour I could wait to come in on Monday. So that’s what I did.

At 9am Monday morning they couldn’t find the fetus on a regular ultrasound, the Dr chalked it up to being a new machine that she didn’t know how to use, which I believe but I also knew she was trying to not make me upset before confirming what we both already knew. She switched to transvaginal. What we saw was just a small, round mass. No distinguishable head (which there should have been at this point) no heartbeat, and underdeveloped in size. It measured about 7wks 4ds. She was realistic with me and gave me my options for the probable outcome.

She ordered a second hCG test to see where I was at. (A week prior I was in the 25,000s - a good level for 9 wks.) And sent me home. I got a call around 2pm saying my levels were in the 16000s. She gave me the option to get pills to medically progress the miscarriage since the bleeding had been so light the previous days. I said yes, as I have my last semester of college starting and I just wanted to get this over with. I didn’t want to prolong the inevitable. I picked those up and decided to wait till Thursday so I had the weekend to deal with the physical and emotional mess coming my way. (If it hadn’t started on its own before Thursday)

I went to class today, Tuesday. It kept my mind off of everything. As I was walking back to my car I could tell my panty liner was not going to cut it much longer. I got home to a bouquet of flowers from my mom. She’s the only one I have been able to talk to about this (besides my husband of course). I immediately went to the bathroom. That’s when the cramps started and I decided I wouldn’t need those pills anymore.

At first it was like regular period cramps. But over the next 20 minutes the became excruciating. My husband texted me saying they can’t have their phones anymore and he’d call me in 2 weeks. I spent the better part of 2 hours on the toilet crippled over in pain. The cramps and clots were never ending. I decided to take a shower, I felt a bath would be a bit too scary. I laid in tub letting the water run over my abdomen then flipped to let it run over my back. After about 20 minutes I passed a large mass, I assume it was most of the gestational sack and some other tissues. A few minutes later I passed the embryo. At that point I totally lost it. I just lost my baby at 10 weeks. My husband no longer has his phone and I cannot talk to him for another 2 weeks, he won’t be home for another 3 1/2 weeks.

I feel empty, physically and emotionally. Why can’t my body do the one thing it is built for doing? Why did this happen at the worst timing possible? I still don’t know what the cause was. As soon as I passed the two “masses” of tissue, I immediately no longer felt pregnant and the cramps completely went away. It’s over (mostly). I didn’t think this would be as hard as it is. I have never seen my dogs so concerned and I’m thankful I at least have them for now. I can’t wait till my husband gets home, this is the shittiest part of being a military family. Miscarriage is so hard but it’s even worse when you go through it by yourself.