I slept with someone 16 years older than me...

When I was 15, a 31 year old groomed me into having sex with him.

I’ve never told anyone about this other than my boyfriend and my older sister. But I feel as though I need to get it out. It’s so hard not being able to tell people about this as I blame myself and wouldn’t want the man’s kids being taken from him.

At the age of 13 my step dad would often inappropriately touch me and make inappropriate remarks. One day he took it too far, painfully ‘tickling’ me whilst I was in my bra and pants - he wouldn’t stop even after I shouted multiple times please stop. After a few minutes he let me go. I then locked myself in the bathroom and cried, I felt as though I has been violated by someone I trusted. After this event, everything went horribly wrong.

At 14 I began talking to a 19 year old after the guy I lost my virginity to dumped me, two days after I lost it to him. When the 19 year old asked to meet up, I was hesitant, but in all honesty I think part of me wanted to get hurt, so I went through with it. My parents still do not know to this day. He fingered me and I gave him a handjob in his car - it was consensual (not by law) but I didn’t enjoy it. I felt dirty and pressured. He put my hand on his crotch. He suggested we do it. He slipped his hand up my skirt without checking if it was okay. And shortly after this I blocked him on social media and tried to move on.

2 months after this I ended up in a psychiatric unit. This was due to my mum finding my diary about what happened with my step dad. One night she confronted me about it. I told her it was true and she started screaming I was liar...

When my step dad found out, he told me he would kill me (with a knife in his hand) if I ever wrote anything like that about him again. Later that week, I slit my wrists and tried to hang myself.

Whilst I was in hospital, I had a breakdown and told a nurse about what happened with my step dad. She informed the officials and before I knew it, a social worker was involved. My mum was furious and started telling me I was tying her life and breaking up the family, so I said it didn’t seem malicious or with bad intent to the social worker and it was promptly dropped.

Now comes the sad part.

After all of this, I became very isolated. I didn’t return to school, I spent most of my time at home. And become more depressed than I was before. I started talking to men online who were 20+ years old.

Then, a 31 year old added me on Facebook and messaged me. Why I messaged him back I don’t know. And I will forever hate myself for that.

He began complimenting me. Asking me for selfies. Treating me the way my real dad and step dad never did. I felt as though I was special. He began asking if we could meet up, I kept resisting. Then a bad low came, and the suicidal thoughts washed over me. I was vulnerable and wanted to feel something - even if it was bad. So I did it. He came round my house when everyone was out. He came up to my room, and as I saw the teddies on my bed, the roses painted on my wall and the fairy lights dotted everywhere, I realised this man was sick. But it was too late. I was frozen.

I couldn’t stop it. We did it. And even though I hated it, I let him do it again two weeks later, when the depression got worse and the self harm doubled.

I hate myself.

I always will. If people knew they’d never look at me in the same way again. And the worst part is, I can’t even call it rape because I let him do it. I didn’t say yes, but I also didn’t say no.