Just a vent/ writing it out to get it off my mind

I used to wonder how my mother could do the things she does and reconcile them with whatever maternal instinct she has. But then I realized that it's because of mental illness. That in those moments she has no maternal instincts and all she feels is the hate and rage. She is not a mother during thise times and it's unfair to say how could a mother do that to their child. It doesn't make it any easy to deal with. But atleast it makes ist understandable how she can go from "I love you" to "you're the worst."