I been with my boyfriend for 10 years and have 2 children together. I know I'm in a toxic relationship for example he starts yelling/cursing at me to the top of his lungs over any little thing, he has punched holes in the the wall, he has hit me and he's been cheating for the past 9 years. Now I'm not looking for anyone to bash me what I'm looking for is women that have been in my situation. I need to know why is it that I know I deserve much more but I keep asking myself if this what my life is destined to be. Why can't I find the courage to walk away? Why do I still care about his well being (did he eat, does his clothes need to be washed, does he need lunch packed for work ect) when I should be hating this man and not care as much as I do. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me and maybe I deserve this but then again I know I deserve better. I know this may sound crazy but I honestly need to understand why do I feel like this. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a room full of people crying for help/expressing my feels but no one hears me, he doesn't hear me. I am emotionally drained but still get up and work 40+ hours take care of the kids and home when sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. Why does he treat me like this? He tells me he loves me and that he would know what to do if I left him, but I still don't understand why treat me like this. I'm tired of caring for him, the kids, the home but who cares for me. I love my kids and they are my life so please don't take it the wrong way, I just sometimes want to be able to lean on someone when I have to cry.