Okay, so back in January, i got “involved” with this guy.... Lets call him Kyle. So i had known kyle for years, had a crush on him and after some times worth of us occasionally talking, him making it evident that he only wanted sex and me making it evident that i wanted more and eventually turning him down (this happned pnce or twice during a number of different years, not chronological) well after all this, i decided i had hit fuck it and i was tired of being a virgin so i messaged him. I told myself i wouldnt let myself get emotionally attached, that i wanted to slowly test myself and see where i wanted to go. Well, easier said than done.

Once he was beside me, i was screwed, i knew it because my feelings for him have never gone away (pathetic but eh whatever). We made out. I told him what i wanted and while he didnt straight up reject the possibility...he seemed indifferent. So we saw eachother maybe twice, me still not completely sure now so we havent had sex.

After seeing me the second time, a day or two later he told me he had some family stuff to deal with, and for me to just leave him be for a bit (i wasnt being obnoxious, i texted to see how he was, trying to get something going). Well i thought “okay so he is dealing with something and thats fine. Id love to support him but if space is what he needs, cool.”

Keep in mind all of this happened in the span of a week.

So he messaged me at the end of the week, wanted to get together but i was with a friend. I knew that once i saw him again, i would go ahead and do it. I would have sex with him. I wasnt prepared THAT NIGHT for it, but i wanted to see him. My friend and i’s night was winding down anyway-sbe wanted me to third wheel her date sorta for emotional support, so i didnt feel bad about dropping her off after the movies and seeing him. But as we got to her house, he told me it was too late. In context, one would assume he meant too late to hang out cause he and i had agreed i wouldnt come over too late in the evening. But i sensed a double meaning and asked what he meant. He decided to go back to his ex. He kept apologizing and telling me he didnt mean to hurt me and i called him an asshole a number of times but the next morning, i let him know i forgave him and i hoped hed be happy and to just...not hurt her.

I found out that his ex was actually carrying his baby and i did the math. They had to have conceived the week before we got involved.

Well, a month later, he came into where i worked. I took his order, nothing more. He messaged me two months later, told me she was out of town and he wanted to take that opportunity to apologize once again. I asked him if he was with her when he and i saw eachother, he said no and he had just seen me recently and thought about all that happened. He saw me at work and i seemed mad and he wanted to make sure i wasnt still mad. I was honest and told him i was shaken when i saw him and he tried to get me to admit that i had had fun with him but i kept asking about the girl. I made it clear i wasnt a side chick and he just tried to reiterate that he just wanted to apologize and i stopped replying.

Since then, most days i seem over him. I feel done. But others...i miss him so much. Well, i tried to friend the girl-she doesnt know me from <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> and i wasnt going to say anything but like...i felt if i friended her, it would mean that i was actually done with him. Anyway, she rejected it but i think from what ive seen on her profile that they arent together anymore. Idk what happened but shes posting all these passive aggressive posts about loyalty in relationships and stuff. I hate that shes hurting. Idk. But...

Ofc i want him. I am so drawn to him and i want to stop it, i know he is toxic. But...if he is still single in a few months...would it be so bad to try things with him?

Idk i just...i would be perfectly fine if he maintained contact with her in order to keep up with and be a good dad to his kid. Id want that. But if their relationship is done...why shouldnt i ask him to get drinks or go to the beach? Or maybe we could just start as friends, idk.

I dont want to make anyone unhappy but i also dont want to be unhappy. Id be happy if hes happy, but if he and she werent happy together why cant i try to make him happy?

Im torn up. I know i shouldnt want it but i cant help it. I kind of just want to send him a friend request and let the pieces fall where they may-not just yet ofc but soon.