For months now I have watched myself slip and my controlling ways spiral out of control. I suffer from really bad anxiety and I am a perfectionist. When it comes to relationships I love with all my heart but I also fear so much. In my childhood I was neglected of love if my performance in school wasn’t well. I always had to be good enough and it has been embedded in me to feel that way. I am the oldest and in Asian countries that comes with many responsibilities. I’ve learned bad habits such as lying, manipulating, and controlling. I got out of a relationship where I was cheated on constantly and treated terribly. After that relationship I am in am in the relationship I’m in now. Where I am actually loved and cared for. Things were great in the beginning because they weren’t serious. Then we got engaged and the bad things of my past came to haunt me again. One night he had gone out with friends and did drugs which led him to talk to his ex. It was a friendly conversation nothing serious but it still hurt me. I was afraid I was going to be cheated on. I was afraid I was going to be lied to. Months passed and he changed so much but at the same time that change caused him to be distant with his friends for me. Although he got rid of his bad habits mine worsened. I’d always want him by my side so I could monitor what he was doing. I didn’t trust his friends or anybody. I only wanted his love and didn’t let him love anybody else. I let him go out a few times and then his friend got into a car accident. I was worried even more... my anxiety grew and it’s starting to destroy my relationship. My anxiety isn’t me though. I want to be me again I just don’t know how. All of these are defense mechanism for him to not leave me. All because I don’t want to be hurt. Please don’t tell me I’m immature for a relationship. I know my faults but I also believe I can straighten our my mistakes because the person I love has patience and wants to make this work. If there is anyone out there who suffers the same thing please give me advice on how to fix my relationship. I would greatly appreciate it.