Venting, but fed up

I’m sitting here trying to relax because apart of me just wants to kick his ass.

I met my kids father in 2014, I was in a previous relationship in 2012 that really hurt me...so I took my time, wasn’t really interesting in dating up until the time I met him. In 2016, him and his family had moved away and I was devastated and was working 3 jobs to save up to move down there, until I got called for my current job. In 2017, I began a 17 week training for my job and he was in SC messing with a female 10 years older than him. It bothered me but I didn’t let it get to me too much because my jobs training was so time consuming and I knew I needed it more than I needed him. BOOM! 6 months later, I’m pregnant with twins. At times during my pregnancy I felt very detached from them. But ultimately I wanted them, when I first told him him and his mom via 3 way tried to convince me to get an abortion. I went thru most of my pregnancy alone up until I was 6 months pregnant and he came to NY. He’ lives with me in my mother’s house . Most days were ok if I didn’t piss him off, I remember one day being pushed into their car seat boxes with my big ole’ belly. To being home from the hospital recovering him and him calling me lazy because I didn’t want to make him food because I was in so much pain from my staples. He never got his hs diploma and from February when he came I did nothing but encourage him to get it. ( last week he told my siblings father that I put him in debt, forcing him to go to the class)

It took him 3 months to get a job, and he lost it within 2 months. He just exist, he doesn’t clean up. His idea of cleaning up is putting clothes in a bag and stuffing it in the corner. . Some clothes my daughters have only worn once. All he wants to do is smoke weed, play video games and talk to me like he knows everything and acts like I’m his child. Today I told him “don’t put weed in my dresser or anywhere in this house“ and it becomes an argument, he tells me stfu before he gets up and gets up and pulls me thru the room by my hair, shoves me into the closet and puts his forearm up against my neck. I asked him “would he be ok if someone were to do this to his daughters” and he began yoking me up and told me nobody would ever get the chance too. I don’t really retaliate because my daughters are in the room with us so I repeatedly tell him to get off of me and stop touching me until he lets me out the room. I got dressed and went to the store and I get this text:

I’ve been hit in the past with one of my daughters in my hands. I literally do for them on my own!

A couple weeks ago we got into an argument about a tattoo I got when I was 18. I got a mans name tatted and got it covered before training for work reasons. Hes argued with me about getting his name tatted and when I tell him no he constantly argues about how I can get another mans name tatted but can’t get the father of my kids name tatted. I constantly tell him that it’s my body and I’m not doing it again.

Everyday I’m yelling at him to get off of me because he’s constantly trying to have sex. I just don’t wanna be bothered, the way he treats me is disgusting. I haven’t had sex in weeks and have no desire too. He can beat his meat for all I care.

I’m sooo tired of this shxt because part of me wants to beat the shxt out of him! I ask him to leave but he stays to literally make my life hell. He will go to my family and literally play the victim. I am careful about what I do because I don’t want my job to be jeopardized in any way. ( i work for law enforcement and really do not want a domestic violence case.) he’s really bipolar and will act like he’s done nothing, and my kids are 4 months, I just want him gone before they get any older because I don’t want them growing up thinking this shxt is ok. I’m tired of him putting his hands on me and then getting mad when I grab his balls or push him to try and defend myself. I’m really a calm person and it takes a lot to make me upset but when you push me past my point I just go off! When it’s all said and done he apologizes and expects me to get over it. I’m just really fed up with everything, it makes me want to stab him as he sits here and plays video games.

I just want better for myself, for these girls. We don’t deserve the weekly, daily aggravation. It’s soo frustrating and I feel so fucken trapped