I hurt myself and anyone close. Don’t think I’ll ever be “heal” I’m worse than ever, and this is the umptheenth time I feel like this.

Got out of the house just to stop these stupid things I do to myself. Where did that come from? I haven’t done this since I was 23. Got some Scotch. My self harm game is on point. Wandering in the streets drinking. People are living lives in houses, homes filled with lights, kids doing homework, parents doing, well parenting I guess?

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to feel okay. To be okay. For once. I don’t wanna be here. What difference does it make if I speak with u? I just keep doing what I do, I’m in a loop forever. Ashamed of reaching out to you. Great now I have one thing more to worry about. Ashamed of taking so much place in this universe. I’d like to go now please. This is not about you.

Things that people do like getting out of bed, going to work, I can barely. I do my best, trust me! Never missed work. I make my bed (when I come home). I try to make small talk... but in the end why does this life feel like an elephant has stepped on me?

And this is not about my abusive ex husband, not about my divorce, not about anyone.

It just feels like... the time has come and it’s freaking me out. I am scared. It gets harder each day. And I don’t believe anything. Don’t believe “it will get better” like I advice some folks on here sincerely. The strange thing is; how do I “know” what is right so well, but I CANNOT implement it to my own life?

I do not know why I keep contacting you, maybe it’s because I don’t have anyone else. Maybe it’s because you’re so easy to push and pull. You let me. And I use it. And I HaTE myself for it.

I hate everything. My house. The couch. The tv. These streets. My family. My mother.

It’s the saddest story for a human to not have somewhere to go. To escape. So that’s why I think the best place for me is the place where I am not. You don’t have to deal with me. Do yourself a favor and stay away from me, I’m no good. The only thing I can give my close ones is to thrill someone to pieces whenever they hear something from me. I just want to vanish.

If only no one saved me that day he was on top. If only the door was locked. I think that was my lucky break. Because how hard it is to go. How hard it is even though it’s the only thing you’ve ever wanted this much.