My husband and I are TTC after a MC and it’s been so emotionally draining. AF was suppose to show up today and for the past week I’ve been tired, nauseous, bloated, my breasts were tender. I’ve never been a big believer of signs but I saw the most gorgeous rainbow yesterday and thought this is it. I tested this morning and there was nothing. I lost it. I just started sobbing and ever since I’ve (somewhat) composed myself I’ve been on the verge of tears. I know I’m not “out” until AF shows up and I can keep testing until she does and if she does I can alway try again next month and if not next month then the month after that and I try to remain positive and hopeful but I am just so tired. And mad. And frustrated. And envious. And I feel this insane sense of guilt. And sadness.

I’m tired of the waiting and the let down.

I’m mad that people are so flippant I’m their unsolicited opinions and advice. “Why aren’t you pregnant yet?” “Don’t you want kids?” “You’re not going to get pregnant if you’re stressed about it” “Relax!” Or “just have more sex!”

I’m frustrated that my husband doesn’t quite understand what I’m going through. He’s great but doesn’t quite get how much effort goes into figuring out ovulation and fertility and figuring out timing. He just says we’ll try again not fully grasping that the process that is TTC.

I’m envious that people make it seem simple “Getting pregnant is easy! My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!”

I feel guilty for wanting a child so badly after a miscarriage. I feel guilty for not trying harder. I feel guilty for things I did do or didn’t do to cause the MC or another CD1. I feel guilty for being so hard on myself for things I can’t control. I feel guilty for not being able to enjoy the season my husband and I are in because I’m so consumed with the future.

I’m just plan sad right now.