When i was very young, I had this boyfriend. He showed me love and kindness... i loved him so much.. he was so amazing until he wasn’t.

The biggest red flag i somehow ignored was the message. “I want to rape you.”

this led onto a months long abusive relationship, i was made to do things i didnt want to do, i would beg not to, and he said it was to train me. He knew i didn’t want to, I even had to do it on the anniversary of my sisters death. Up until this relationship I never, never understood why people didn’t report it. for so long i hated myself. i was humiliated, embarrassed. 8th grade I sat down with my friends. They would be the first people i told. i held my best friends hand, and told them what happened. they all gave me love and reassured me they loved me. I went on to make sure my story was told loud and proud. I am recovering.

Freshman year, a cute senior was sent to my school. He flirted a bit, but so many red flags. Talked about domestic violence and rape a little bit too much. One day he starts talking about having sex with me, He would grope my thighs in class. i got tired of it and when he went to reach my vagina i slapped his hand, at lunch i yelled while a teacher was close “It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t have a right to put his hands on my body” The day. The day. He slapped my butt when i wasn’t looking. my blood began to boil. I accidentally bump into his friend and he tells him to “punish me.” He grabs my wrists and i fight. To get on his level i get on a chair, my teacher hasn’t come out of the closet. I start to dissociate. the world around me turns black, fight or flight is gone, it was just me and him and i was being attacked. this is when i reported it. Alternative programs for expelled students are hell for people who “snitch” though. for days i got harassment from his gf, his friends. at one point i accepted her friend request not knowing it was her and she had been on my facebook reading my safe space. My principal put me in a room with him. I now believe i have PTSD because of these events.

I said no, I very visibly was uncomfortable with what these men did to me, so why didn’t they stop? do they not understand, does resistance turn them on. the day i got grabbed i nearly screamed because i was so angry a truck DIDNT hit me. i was so confused, mentally and physically hurt and confused on why men do this to ME. what did >I< do to deserve this.

I’m still learning to cope with these events but fuck man. i’m 16 and already have been through hell and back. I’m kinda rambling at this point but it’s 3:50 am and i’m experiencing slight ptsd for whatever reason. i love you all and hope you can recover from your situations. so so much love