The struggle is real

Currently all I want to do is sleep and the reason is not a legitimate reason. I didn’t stay up late, I’m not sick, and I’m not pregnant nor do I have small children that wake all hours of the night. I want to sleep because I don’t have anything that needs to be done when I’m asleep. There are no worries. I don’t have laundry or dishes. The carpets are not dirty and in need of shampooing. I’m not behind on lesson plans or my grading. I don’t have to cook. My husband and I are not dealing with fertility issues. I don’t see everyone around me getting their little miracle babies. I just want to sleep. I know what you are going to say oh you’re depressed and you should talk to someone. I know that is what it is. It’s difficult to talk to anyone when they think it’s just a pity party. Oh poor pitiful you. You have to adult. Well you know what adulting is hard so suck it. We are too worried about bringing others down or one upping someone on what’s going wrong in their life. That is why so many people live silently with depression. It’s not something that you get over. It’s a constant battle with the lows. I can literally feel the chemical imbalance happening toward the end of my cycle. I can feel my motivation go away. I know I need to push through but dealing our infertility issue make the days at the end of my cycle so much worse. It’s like a slap in the face. I know we were not successful because I can feel my hormones getting ready for that damn period. I feel all of my normal cycle symptoms and it’s another reminder that my body won’t work like it should. It’s another reminder that even though I did everything the way our grandparents told us we needed to live our life. You know the story. Wait till marriage, get a house and a career, then think about kids. Nothing is working. I have cycles so regular that I want to scream every 28 days. So regular that working in a middle school with the girls and all their crazy puberty hormones doesn’t mess up my normal every 28 day cycle. The only number wrong with my husbands numbers is his morphology. So yea all I want to do is sleep. Sorry I kind of ramble but not sorry