I don’t know anymore...I’m so confused & feel alone. Was this rape?

When I was 19 I went on a date with this guy who was 23 & was divorced. I was a virgin & never had a bf & he knew this about me. The next night he came over & we both got drunk & I willingly gave my virginity to him.

I woke up the next morning to him fondling me trying to have sex again. I was still sore & bleeding & so I told him I just wanted to go back to sleep & he stopped.

A couple minutes later he started doing it again & I told him “I don’t feel like it right now, maybe another time when I’m not sore” & then he stopped again.

A couple of seconds later he just put his body on top of me & pulled my clothes off & started penetrating me. I was at a loss for words because he ignored me & I felt intimidated like I knew he wasn’t going to listen, so I complied & didn’t say anything & just took it. It hurt so bad & I bled even more than the first time.

At the time I thought behavior like that was normal until a year later when I realized it wasn’t. He was supposed to listen to me when I told him I didn’t feel like it. It affected me to where after it happened the idea of sex repulsed me & I felt used like a toy.

Was what happened to me rape? Even if I convinced myself to sleep with him a few weeks after that?

Also the next time I slept with him I gave him a blowjob & he used his hands to force my head all the way down & physically wouldn’t let me break out of it even when I was gagging & tears where in my eyes. Was this assault as well?