I was seeing a guy this summer and he knows about my history of sexual abuse by my father and he promised to respect me in that and all that that entails (weird emotions around sex, sometimes shutting down, nervousness, etc). Pretty early in the “relationship” He started getting super touchy-feely with me and doing sexual things that I wasn’t comfortable with. He

always wanted to touch my boobs or finger me or get me warmed up just enough that he could justify going in. I told him I didn’t like all the physical stuff out of context (he randomly initiated sex while we were hanging out in the woods which he knows is my peaceful happy place, NOT where I wanna have sex)... and he said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. A couple weeks later we go on a hike and he randomly starts putting his hands ALL over me and sucking on my boobs and trying to get my clothes off again so he could penetrate me, again. I was so shocked and confused because he had said he wouldn’t do it again that I went numb and I didn’t say anything. I just felt like I was swimming inside my own head and that whatever voice I tried to have would be inaudible. I feel mad because I let him do it by not saying anything but also infuriated because he totally disrespected the boundaries I had already discussed very clearly with him. What even is this? I feel like it was assault because of everything I already said plus the fact that there was no affection or connection; totally out of context... but I didn’t say no, so I partly am blaming myself. Wtf was this?!?!?!