Lost my soulmate

I know this isn’t baby related, but I just need to get this out. I lost my fiancé on September 7. I came home from my second job and found him. There was nothing I could do as rigor mortis had already set in. I blame myself for not being here for him. I am plagued by the what if’s. What if I was here; could I have saved him? What happened? I may never know. He was my whole world. He had anxiety/depression/seizures. My whole life revolves around him. He didn’t work because of all his illnesses. Everything was/is on my shoulders. But he was the one person who could calm me. No words; just being in his presence made everything in this world okay. Sunday’s & Monday’s are the hardest because I had those days off both jobs and we would spend the whole days together. That was our time. Those days are now spent sitting in an empty apartment wishing the days away. I miss him so much and can still “see” him laying there where I found him. I want his life to mean more. I want to do better in my life in his memory; but yet it is SO hard to get out of bed every morning. I is SO hard to close my eyes each night as I cry myself to sleep. It’s only been a month; but seems like a lifetime. #endthestigma End the stigma of mental illness. People need to be able to talk about what’s going on and not feel so pushed down because of what they are feeling. It’s not anything you can control and NOT anything to be embarrassed by. End he judgements people have. Show support. Show love & kindness. He also had an addiction that he was finally ready to go to treatment for. It took 3 years of being with me for him to finally believe that someone would be by his side and not leave him. He was finally ready to start living again, with me, and he was taken much too soon. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if it was drugs or seizure, but I know with everything in me it wasn’t suicide. He was such a thinker. We would have such deep talks. I miss him every moment of everyday. I can be going along and out of nowhere I am just bawling me eyes out thinking of him. I will love Jordan always and forever! #Jordanalwaysandforever. #endthestigma