October is breast cancer awareness month. And not to detract from that; my grandma is a survivor of breast cancer, and I believe it deserves all the awareness to cure.

However, It is also infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. Specifically today, October 15th, is infant and pregnancy loss awareness day.

Did you know that 1 in 4 women will experience the loss of a pregnancy? That if you have four women in one room, statistically, one of them will wake up one day and their once growing baby, through no fault of their own, will be gone?

Many women who experience these losses never speak about them. Through a combination of guilt, shame, taboo, and grief, their children that once grew inside them are never spoken about. For some, the memory of losing their beloved baby is too much; talking about it makes it worse. For others, the subject is considered uncomfortable to others, so in the interest of others’ comfort, the memory of their unborn children is kept alive only in their minds.

And these women, they all belong to one of the absolute worst clubs you can belong to. The child loss club. But these women, they comfort the new members. They embrace the women who newly find themselves lost, not knowing if feeling the pain or numbing it is best. They are the women who cherish each and every moment with their living children, if they have them, because they know just how quickly their little miracles can be taken away. For those who have only experienced loss, with no living children of their own, they live through the children of others. These mothers, but not mothers. They light up when holding the child of another. They crave for those moments when someone offers their child for them to hold.

If you’ve never experienced it, you will never know. You will never know how it feels when what was supposed to be your baby’s due date comes, and you’re reminded that (s)he isn’t coming. You will never know that ping of jealousy you know you shouldn’t have that overcomes you at the sight of someone else having what you lost. You will never know the emptiness that fills you some days. You will never know. And I pray to God that you never do.

I am the one in four. Twice. Twice, I have had to say goodbye before I got the chance to say hello. Today, I commemorate the lives I have lost. I choose to speak, to not remain silent. Because my babies existed. They mattered. And even though they were gone before they even really lived, they were, and still are, so incredibly loved.

My first loss, we named him/her Britton. Britt would be 9 months old if I had not lost them. I went in to the drs office at 8.5 weeks along. I was going to maybe hear the heartbeat. I was so excited. But when I was in my appointment, I was told that my baby was gone. Already.

My second pregnancy took us 7 months to conceive. I was working nights and laid down for a nap before I had to go to work. When I woke, I was laying in a pool of blood. My baby was gone. I had once again failed. We named that baby Jaylen. If you’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy, you’ve seen this scene. This is exactly how I felt:

I have healed from both. They still hurt sometimes, but I know that my babies are being taken care of. My great grandparents, who were some of the most beautiful people to grace my life, and my grandma are taking very good care of them. Some day I’ll see them again, but I’m not done here yet. They don’t need me; there are people here that do. i lost both of mine early, and my grief was so great, I can’t even imagine the immensity of a later loss.

For everyone who belongs to this club, you are so strong. Even on the days that feel like you’re drowning, you can swim. We are the 1 in 4. Our babies lived, however briefly. they mattered. They are loved. And we will never forget about them.

If you newly find yourself part of the 1 in 4, please know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there who want to and will help you. We’ve been there. We’ve felt your grief, your loss. And we are so, so sorry that you have to join us in this awful club. You are strong, you can and will get through this.

At first, I didn’t want to, but if you want to, please share about your lost babies. I promise, the more you talk about it, the less it hurts.