I’m so tired. My head has been pounding for 3 days. I’m 9 and 5 days pregnant with our 4th child and have been feeling severely ill since week one. But its always so consistent, things go great for a little then BAM I get pregnant and the shit storm starts. I live with my husband and mom, we rent the house we currently live in together and have been living together since my husband moved in with us at (me being) 16. I’m 22 now. (Yes I know, we’re young. Yes I know WOW 4 kids at 22 and 25) but for the most part we make it “Work”. It’s not always some happy young couple who are still together after all. It’s so much more.

Since I was young I’ve never had no one to vent to or talk about my serious problems about. I’m an only child with no father involved and a single mother who’s always busted her ass to “Provide”. My mother has never been the nurturing type, she always told me to get over it and keep on. So I never told her about anything that’s ever gone on with me. She would just say things that always made me feel like if I told her about “This” or “that” she would be like “Stop being so dramatic!” Or “You could have stopped that!”. She always took someone else’s side before mines, when I was younger my cousin would do something to me and she would immediately pick his side over mines. So when it came to that I would always be alone in my room crying my eyes out because I would be sad that she chose him over me. She did this a lot, growing up my grandparents would physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me. She always took their side in-till one day I told her I was going to kill myself. Still though, it didn’t change much and again I would be alone in my room crying my eyes out each and every night with what was going on. This happened with bulling and also sexual assault. When I was bullied she used to tell me “Don’t pay mind to them! Just ignore it!” Intill I started refusing to go to school. I would be soo depressed I would stay home balling my eyes out. We eventually moved out of my grandparents and I went to a different school. Everything was great for awhile except the constant problem of her not being abled to hold things down (Cars, Bills, Rent) but what could she do working a 8$ hr job? Anyway at this new school I was sexually assaulted. When I tell you this fucked up my life you would not believe. I didn’t even bother telling her because of all the shitty comments she makes about other things. So again alone, and then after I started skipping school. Then stop going completely. This happened in 8th grade and fucked me till 9th.

At that time I met my husband, online. He helped me vent with everything that went on and he’s the only one who knows about my SA. But I still was mentally not okay and decided to try and kill myself. I stole a baggy full of my grandfathers pain killers and while on the phone with my Husband I drank one for every reason I had to kill myself. Once he figured out what I was doing he begged me to stop and started to cry. I only got to 4 but I had 15 reasons.

Till that day I’ve never really felt any better. I still have massive anxiety and depression. I thought my husband moving in would fix things since he was always there for me long distance. He was was the best for like 2 weeks then he started getting home sick. He Begged me to marry him and start a family with him because he missed his family and wanted to start a new one with me. If not he was going to go back because he couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to get married yet (I was still a Virgin and wanted to wait till marriage) and didn’t want to start a family till I was around 20/22. But because I loved him and didn’t want him to leave I let my morals go so he would stay. He didn’t start showing his true colors till I got pregnant. he is a slob and is either always on his phone or playing a game. And I felt dumb. At 16, pregnant and was treated like a house maid because they always worked and I stood home. He never wanted me to get a job because he wanted me to stay home with the kids. But i consistently get told I don’t do enough, that I’m lazy, I sit around all day. I this I that. Since I was 16 till now at 22. I thought I felt alone back when that was all happening but now it’s worse. I do everything I can do, laundry, clean, cook when I’m not feeling like absolute shit, drive him to work, drive my daughter to school, play with the kids, feed them, ECT. AND EVERYDAY I’m told I’m this and that and that and when I ask him if he can put in his 50% he says “But your home all day! You don’t do SHIT, you can do it”. Like I’m done. And if I have something to say about it He says I have anger issues and I’m insane and crazy and I need to calm down like. I seriously can’t. I’m not the only adult in this house. And my mom will sit there and chime in. AGAIN, never picking my side. ABSOLUTELY ALONE. And this has been going on for a long 8 years. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked to him about this and he still does it or won’t listen to me.

Today’s nice argument started with “Oh what’s the point anyway. Your just going to keeping going on and on and cry about it anyway” and my mom was like “Oh please just stop it already.” Like.. please. When you get told everyday your shit you start to believe it. He always seems to go harder on me when I’m pregnant and he knows I’m not sleeping well or not feeling well. Seriously every pregnancy. If it wasn’t for my 3 girls I would have seriously gone with killing myself today. I’m just so done. And while I’m balling my eyes out trying to put my daughter to sleep he comes at me with “Oh but you say stupid shit as well”. He told me what I would do with out him (as implying financially) and I told him that I don’t need him or my mom and they keep pushing on me how not nice that was but they are allowed to say crappy things to me?

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I just have a lot going through my mind and I’m balling as I type this. I just need to write it down and get if off my chest. I never get to vent to anyone about house/marriage problems and it’s been eating at me for years. YEARS. Please please please keep it negative free. Sorry if a lot of it doesn’t make sense as I’m going off of how I feel and thinking about.