Need advice


Is it bad I really do not like giving my first bf of about 1.5 years handies or bjs? I have been doing both of these to him ever since after maybe 2-3 months of the time I've been with him, he usually wants me to give a bj every time I see him which isn't as often as it use to since he got a new job recently so I only get to see him maybe twice-3 times a week but mainly all I ever can do is a handy. He loves handies still and says I'm so good at doing them. I very rarely get horny, I don't know what's wrong with me but after a whole year I still hate doing them as much as the first time I did it, probably mainly because I get absolutely nothing out of it, not turned on, nothing, except a sore wrist... :p Also.not to be rude to him but he is a lil under average size. But what I hate even more is him giving me oral I think we've done that only a handful of times because it gives me so much anxiety, it sucks because he says it's his favourite thing. I should mention if its not already obvious I'm a virgin and I'm nearly 21 fkn years old And he's 28, he's had multiple girlfriends so yep. I can't even make out with him because to be honest he's not the most attractive guy but that's not why I love him, I really don't wanna lose him because I wouldn't find someone as cool as he is. he has been bugging me about sex the past year or so but I'm so afraid of it and ik its not good to keep him waiting this long. he says if I don't put out soon he will breakup with me but I don't think he'll actually ever do it,he says he loves me too much. Lately tho i have been getting horny and I really do want to have sex it just scares me to death still. I've told him a thousand times how scared I am he kinda gets it but not really.. The thought of losing my vcard..idk man, somebody help me.