TRIGGERS: VERBAL, PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE

I hope it's okay for me to post this here.

*I made a separate account so I could answer any questions if anyone has any, if anyone somehow happens to figure out who I am, please don't say anything*

I'm going to go a bit into my past because I think it's somewhat relevant and I really need to vent.

My parents are divorced. My dad wasn't around much. He use to get me every other weekend, but when I was there he would work the majority of the time (my aunt would watch me). He got remarried and cut me out of his life when I was about 11. My mom remarried when I was 4, I have a brother that's 6 years younger than me. When I was I was 12 my mom's husband began molesting me. At first I didn't understand what was going on, but after awhile I realized it and continued to stay quiet because I didn't want to put my mom and brother through that. I was ashamed and I didn't want my mother to go through that kind of heartbreak. I didn't want my brother to grow up without a dad. When I was 14, I fell in love (I'm going to refer to this guy as Jeff). Jeff was 18 and fresh out of a long term relationship. We dated on and off for 2 months. I had had other boyfriends, but nothing compared to what I felt for Jeff. He knew about my situation at home and encouraged me to get help so I did. I went to a school counselor because I couldn't face my mom. She helped me contact the police. They arrested my mom's husband. Questioned all of us. My mom pretended to support me, but 2 weeks after, she had me go back to the station and take my accusation back (I now know that it was because CPS was trying to take my brother away from her). My mom moved me out and put me in a studio apartment by myself. She paid for everything and visited every couple of days. It took me a year to figure out that my mom was still with my brother's dad. She's still with him to this day. Jeff ended up dumping me 2 weeks after because he said I was too depressing and I was bring him down. A couple of days after, I found out he had gotten back together with his ex. 2 weeks after the break up, we started talking again as friends. The friendship quickly turned flirty. I was always there for him, even gave him unbiased relationship advice. They'd argue and I'd pick up the pieces, I'd convince him that she truly did care for him because it hurt me to see him hurting. One time, he called me suicidal. I was terrified and immediately went over to his house. I didn't realize at the time, but he was trying to manipulative me into having sex with him. We fooled around, but I stood my ground and didn't have sex with him. Our "friendship" went down hill after that. He ended up dating my best friend behind my back. I confronted him about it, but never heard back from him. I started dating again at 16 even though I wasn't over Jeff. I started dating my now husband (I'm going to refer to him as Anthony). Our relationship quickly turned sexual, I was a virgin and I wanted to get over Jeff and I thought it would help me form some sort of attachment to Anthony. I ended up pregnant. He dumped me, but was later pressured to get back together with me because of his religion. I accepted because I didn't want to be a single mother and I wanted a sense of security after what had happened with Jeff. We were pressured into getting married. I ended up having a miscarriage. Our relationship became rocky. He'd lie about petty things and look down on me because I didn't finished high school (I dropped out because I had a hard time dealing with what happened with my mom's husband). At 18, I became pregnant again. We welcomed a baby boy at the beginning of the year a couple of months before we turned 19. Our relationship has only gotten worse. It's become abusive. A couple of months after the birth of our son, Anthony broke down and confessed he thought he had paternal postpartum depression. He felt like he didn't care as much as he should about our son. He said if I had wanted to put our baby up for adoption, he would've been okay with it. He resented our son because we argued more. It caused me to become anxious about leaving them alone together. Our son is now 9 months and I still get worried when I leave them alone. This irritates Anthony. He'll also get upset when our son won't sleep or won't eat at a certain time and it messes up our plans to go out. He'll get upset and take it out on me (verbally). He'll also use my anxiety and the situation with my mom to make me feel bad. I don't have a perfect relationship with my mom, it's more of a friendship. I spent a couple of years absolutely pissed at her, but I eventually somewhat forgave her. I love my mom. She's my best friend and I'll go to her and ask her for advice. Anthony will make me feel bad about this and tell me that I'm just bothering her and that she doesn't care about me. If I'm being honest I became emotionally abusive as well. When Anthony would do something that upset me, I'd tell him and he'd laugh or make fun of me and I'd get even more upset and call him names. In September I found out Anthony had been sexting women online. He even had an online relationship with one. I stayed because I'm scared of independence and never finding "the one". I feel like no one will ever accept me as I am. I've gained weight (about 50-60lbs) and I have so much emotional baggage. I'm also not entirely over Jeff. I haven't had any connection to him in over 3 years, but he's constantly on my mind. I am so scared to leave and go out and be a single mom, but my marriage has become slightly physically abusive. Anthony has pinned me down once and pushed me (not hard) a few times. He'll also stand in front of me and won't let me go by. About a week ago, he got upset and threw a PS3 controller at me. It left a bruise on my leg (its mostly healed now). On Wednesday I had an appointment with my therapist (I'm going because I'm still having a hard time dealing with what happened with my mom's husband). I usually nurse our son before I leave because I'm gone for awhile, but he didn't want to eat so I said I just wouldn't go because I was afraid he'd get hungry while I was gone and I didn't want him crying for me for so long (I don't have any frozen milk, I don't respond to breast pumps, the baby won't take a bottle, if it's out of a cup he will just look for me to nurse after he's finished what's in the cup). Anthony got upset and started yelling at me because if I didn't go to my therapist appointment she would've drop my case. He yelled at me to get dressed and told me to hurry up before I made him mad. I asked him if he was threatening me and he said yes, although he didn't go into detail about what he would do exactly. I was worried that he would become physical so I did as I was told. I'm worried that this is just going to get worse. Our relationship isn't romantic anymore. We don't even sleep together. We still call each other pet names and say "I love you", but it feels merely out of pure habit. I don't even remember the last time we kissed. End of September, I too started an online relationship behind Anthony's back. I started dating a woman named Dana that I've been friends with for a couple of years. She's polyamorous and is aware of the situation and how hard I've had it. Dana and my mom are the only people I truly have right now. Growing up how I did, I've always felt like I'm not good enough. I wasn't good enough for my dad to keep me in his life, I wasn't good enough for my mom to chose me over a man, I wasn't good enough for Jeff to stay with me, I wasn't good enough for Anthony to treat me well and now I don't feel like I'm good enough for Dana. I feel like I've never truly been loved. No one's ever loved me enough to not hurt me. I've made a complete mess of my life and if it weren't for my son I'd be gone by now.