Sometimes I wish you weren’t a pastor. Sometimes I wish you could say “I’m not gonna be there.” Like “my wife is puking pregnant and was up all night with my sick toddler, I need to stay home and help her.”

Like last night when they had the gospel sing leaving me alone with sick kids. And the youngest got diarrhea constantly. And I needed help with the kids and the laundry and the smell. And how you came home and we were all in bed for you to say only 15 people showed up.

Or how I was up all night again with our sick son. How he’s been sick since Tuesday. How I held him and rocked him and medicated him for hours last night. And what I need this morning is to puke in peace. But instead, your having to get dressed, you’re yelling at our oldest who needed help finding clothes because I forgot to get his stuff out for him last night. He’s in preschool honey. Not 15. 5. He needed a little help with his shirt.

Or how I spilled the last of the juice all over the counter because I’m so tired. Sorry. And you acted out out. Or when i said the garbage is literally overflowing with diarrhea diapers and trash. But you’ve gotta go. You’ve got to put on the face. And preach and be there for everyone for every event on every side of the mountain.

And really, I need you. I need you to hold this sick baby while I throw up. I need you to take the trash out. I need you to not be up at dawn studying for this morning making you tired and grumpy at our children. I need you to not stare at your watch while I’m puking.

See I know the call. I do. I don’t hate God. I love our church. But sometimes I wish we could say our family needs to take care of itself. Like all the other families. But it’s also the job. It pays the bills. But this weekend. I wish we could’ve just stayed in. Said no. And I wish I didn’t have to worry about comments. The lawyers wife doesn’t come watch him mitigate. But I’m required to be a crucial part of your job. And sometimes I’d like to be the hot mess, Unshowered, sick kids, tired mom without worrying how it might affect your job or your standing or whatever.

And I know this week, you’ve got at least three nights where you won’t be home because of late church meetings, events, and other things that will kill our family time. That I will be at home with the kids. And you’ll be at some obligation like you are every since week I wish when they planned the calendar they’d look at see 30 days and 28 of them you have to attend. You have no choice.

It’s been a hard crappy week and weekend. And I’ll probably get comments about how you’re a bad husband. But I know you’re not. It’s the job. I just wish sometimes we had a choice on the weekend. Or how I’m a bad wife or bad servant of God, but I’m trying to serve God but protecting our child who had a compromised immune system. He called me to care for our babies first. And I know you’ve never once made me feel bad for missing church to care for the kids. I just wish I wasn’t alone today.

I wish after I puked so hard all I could do was sob over the toilet, you could’ve stayed. That you could’ve come and found me crying on the floor of the bathroom from the puke and exhaustion and the worry for our son’s health. I wish when I was crying, you didn’t have to leave. But I did appreciate the long hug. The “I love you.” The “you’re so important to me.” But you had to go. I know this. I just wish I wasn’t sitting on this couch sobbing wishing the man I love would hold Me for a while. I wish you could hook up our son’s machine for me. I wish you could tell me I’m not failing. I sure feel like tired failure today.

I know God is good. He has given me three miracles against the odds that doctors said we wouldn’t have babies. The puke and the sick babies are what I longed for...to be a mommy. Just been a long week. Headed into another. I’m just tired, babe.