I can’t get over my past

I want to change my name because I feel it’s attached to the old me. The girl who awkwardly walked through school. She was teased and never fit in anywhere. She was treated like an experiment gone wrong. She was tired of the anxiety of roll call. She was always the first and the hardest. She had a bad reputation. She never seemed to cooperate. She felt embarrassed. Afraid. People’s opinions about her. She hid her true self. She hid in the bathroom stalls for hours. She was afraid to raise her hand. She tried to fit in by doing the wrong things. She was immature and gross. She was a loner. She wasn’t liked. She was a joke but also invisible. She was the outcast of outcasts. She sucked at standing up for herself. She hid so much. She was so afraid. She became paranoid. I wish I could go back and change things. I believe my life would’ve been so different (positively). I started getting help and taking meds my senior year of high school. I became such a different person. I can’t stop thinking about going back in time. I’m so big on the idea of time traveling. I feel like if I got help sooner, I would’ve been a star.

Now, 22, I’m no longer hiding who I am. I am still paranoid and filled with shit anxiety but it’s definitely better than in the past. I care what people think but it’s honestly not as harsh. I’ve gotten help and realization on how society works. I am able to embrace and express my true colors no matter how silly. I still have my moments but again, it’s gotten better. I’m more honest. I don’t look down at the ground anymore. I can actually talk to strangers.

If only they saw me now. If only.

I want to change my name because I feel I am no longer that girl. I hate being attached to those memories. It’s super embarrassing and cringy. I feel like everyone knows who I am and I’m so fuckin paranoid that I can’t step out of my fuckin house because of fear. My biological name is cringy AF and I just feel paranoid even posting it online.

I don’t want to be known for her. I want to be known for who I am now. I wish I could erase the past. I THINK ABOUT IT DAILY AND I HATE IT SM