My journey this past year

It's official been 1 year since we made the decision to start trying for a baby. We had gone out to dinner and a movie the day after our Halloween party. Over dinner we talked about taking a big trip before trying. The more we talked the more we realized we wanted the baby over the trip and were better off saving the money and trying now.

I had been on birth control for 9 years. I stopped taking it that night. I went out and bought prenatals over the counter the next day and found glow to help track cycles. I went through a whirlwind of emotions and physical changes as the hormones from birth control left my body. I thought I had started having regular periods but they kept getting longer and longer.

After a few months of tracking every little twing in my body and wasting a lot of tests I again thought everything was "normal" and we just had to wait. April 6th was a particularly shitty day. My period started that morning and then as I was leaving work that evening I got rear-ended. I was at a light and watched the car hit me from behind on my mirror. He wasn't going very fast but I tensed up and got hit by him and bumped the car in front of me too.

There wasn't a lot of damage to the cars but I was physically hurt. I felt whiplash right away and almost like I had a concussion. All because I watched him hit and tensed up my body. The next day I was sore and started getting a way to familiar pain in my neck and shoulder. In 2015 a driver blew a red light and T-boned my car. The car was totalled and I ended up needing surgery on my shoulder. I was crushed thinking I injured my shoulder and would need surgery again. I made an appointment with my doctor and a couple of weeks later had my fears confirmed. He told me I would require surgery again to fix the shoulder. I could have put it off but would need it later in life anyway.

I left his office and broke down in the car. After 6 months off the pill and in full force let's actually "try" not just have unprotected sex we now had to stop. To add to all this stress I still hadn't started my period yet. I went for my annual physical right before surgery at the beginning of June. My doctor ordered blood work to try and figure out why I'm not having periods or ovulating. We went for a follow up on August. He said my tests came back normal. He put me on a week of progesterone to kick start my system. It worked and I finally started a period after a 152 day cycle. I also tracked for a surge and took clomid. No bfp and again no period.

I am on day 53 of this cycle with no period in sight. I'm starting to think it's never going to happen naturally for us. My partner wants to go get tested to make sure sperm count isn't also an issue but I know the problem is me.

The other day I pulled a tarot card when asking about our fertility journey. I have been describing my mindset as numb and want some guidance. I don't think it's going to happen naturally and I won't get pregnant. I'm stuck on the negative. The card I pulled was the cups of 8. The explanation talks about changing paths even though it may be hard and come to terms with the fact that something you thought was going to happen may not. So either the universe is telling me I won't get pregnant and confirming my dark thoughts or I need to stop thinking that way and not give up.

If you read this whole thing, thanks for sticking around. I was just needed to rant. Especially after seeing all the little babies in costumes yesterday, going to a shower 2 weeks ago, a cousin having her baby and a friend on Facebook doing a gender reveal. I'm starting to get bitter and sad because of these events.