I was 5 1/2 weeks, I aborted against my will...

I just turned 19 and the month of my birthday i found out i was pregnant.. I was pressured by my boyfriend to get an abortion I didn’t want to get after he told me weeks before that If we ever found out i was pregnant, we’d keep it cause that’s how much he loves me.... but he lied to me.. and swore his life would be over if we kept it and made me feel like an idiot for wanting this baby... I didn’t plan to have kids this young... and I’m pro voice choice, but my choice was that I never personally wanted to abort... I don’t believe it’s the best thing for me and I was right... I pleaded that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did it, but somehow keeping the baby would cause his family to fall apart.. and he just didn’t want to deal with it and kept calling it a sac of cells... it was my baby.. and it already was forming a body and when I got rid of it, it was a few days shy of developing a heart..... I felt so connected to it and during the procedure before they went in I wanted to change my mind, but the medication overtook me and I couldn’t find the words to speak and I felt them scrape it and I was screaming inside my head and no one could hear me cause the drugs disabled me... and I walked out of the room and never cried so hard in my life,... I felt I lost the only happiness I’ve ever known... I struggle with depression and all while I was pregnant I didn’t need my medication or any other substances to not have a panic attack... I was naturally waking up happy for once in my life and I knew why... after I was escorted out the building to my boyfriends car he drove me home and he cried a bit and weeks later confessed that he cried because he felt like he lost a part of him and that he regretted the whole thing.... and it makes me so upset and beyond myself and I miss being pregnant, I know I’ll never get that baby back.. I only want it back... I want it back so fucking badly and I hate my life every single day vecause I feel like I’m missing a part of me and sometimes I can’t breathe.. every day I wake up I’m so disappointed that I have to live another day on this earth feeling incomplete and out of power....... it’s been months and my depression has spiraled and I’m back to being suicidal again... i just smoke every day to forget I exist with no purpose knowing what an awful being i am for not putting my baby first... I swore I’d protect it... and I failed... I was addressed with so much pressure of families and lives falling apart... absolutely no one was willing to help me and I have $0 for myself because my parents used all the money I’ve ever made on themselves... my boyfriends mother was the only one willing to help but if she did her husband threatened to leave and take the rest of her kids. I’ve been forced my whole life to do things... from being raped.. to feeling like i have no other choice but to get rid of my baby to save everyone from falling apart .... months later we find out they were all bluffing to get what they wanted... if I had the baby... my boyfriend just landed a sturdy job with good income from having no job, his dad wasn’t gonna leave, my family wasn’t gonna not help me, everyone just wanted me to get rid of it and I’m the only one who has to sit here and deal. With. That.