I found a new Facebook page about ptsd (stumbled upon it..) and I was seeing what articles they had that maybe I could relate to..

‘Relationship abuse: Finding love again after trauma.’

Maybe I could learn how to make my failed relationship better by finding the root of my issues...

but then certain words will trigger certain memories and cause flashbacks.

Then... my mind starts drifting.

The word trauma makes me think of hospitals and thinking of hospitals triggered the vivid flashback and feelings of how I felt the final time that I walked myself into the ER because of him.

I remember it and feel the emotion as if I was going through it again- right this moment... even brings tears to my eyes because the emotions are so intense.

Walking up to the receptionists glass, signing my name.. and once again having that ER bracelet with my name on it to look at reminding me of why I'm in here.

I'd look at it with disgust over and over. "How could I let myself get here again? How could I let him back in my life AGAIN!? He could have killed me this time!"

So humiliated that by me becoming weak again put me back in this ER.

Tears came on and off throughout that night I spent in that ER room. Sitting there alone, reflecting on my life... "I need to do better for my kids."

Before I could even find out if anything was physically wrong with me, I had to tell the whole situation to the police officer.

That this incident happened 4 days ago and they look at me wondering why I haven't made a report sooner.

Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through another police report, another drawn out court process and another time going into excessive detail about what happened to me.

Couple hours later, the docs proceeded to get me a CAT scan.. had to take two scans to be sure there was, in fact, small bleeding in my brain and that it wasn't just a smudge on the scan result.

Sent me home after 9 hours with some medicine to help with vertigo and nausea that I didn't take. "Take it easy for 6 weeks."

Turns out I had a concussion.. from him slamming my head into my kitchen floor tile.

He finally did some lasting physical damage on me.. what he wanted all along. But let's not forget the mental, emotional damage and neck bruises, too.

In the 4 days after it happened.. I had memory problems, had thrown up twice and had horrible head pain... I called my friend who is an MMA fighter and has experience with head trauma. He urged me to go to the ER because he was certain it was a concussion.

I'm thankful my friend urged me to go or I wouldn't have seen a doc and I wouldn't have made that report.

My ex got jail time for what he did to me. Hopefully he learns he can't do that to people no matter what. Especially the mother of his two young children.

I've been free of him for 2 years now.. but I still have the hardest time getting over my PTSD from it and it has ruined my relationships that I've had since. I need to learn coping skills.

I need help but I'm too overwhelmed with life to add another thing to my schedule.

So. This is where my head travels to when I see something that reminds me of a time like this. A smell, songs, sights of something, a word, anything that can trigger a memory. I had 3 years (on and off) of this treatment from him, so I have lots of memories.

Take a walk in my shoes.. you think it's bad for you watching this roller coaster called my life??

Well, I'm the one taking the ride, so just try to imagine what it's like for me!