problems getting pregnant


I want to just give up...... for two years we’ve been trying and praying for a baby. In June our prayers were answered. We were finally going to be parents. Well i lost our baby boy. I scooped him out of the toilet with my hands. I sat on the bathroom floor just holding him. I can’t even remember the hours after. All I remember is my heart was shattered. And nothing was the same. Nothing. Not us, not our dogs, not my family. Everyone was sad. I felt like I disappointed everyone.... if I’m being really honest I lied about the baby being alive and well for weeks. I didn’t want to tell a single person. I didn’t want to disappoint my grandpa who told everyone he was now a great grandfather. I wanted this baby so badly. I begged god on my knees when the bleeding started, I trusted him I threw every worry I had onto him, and he still took my baby. And now we’re trying and trying and trying. And I can’t get pregnant I can’t. Idk why. It seems like it should be so simple. I tract the periods, I I make sure we have sex right when we are supposed to. The disappointment I see in my husbands eye every negative destroys me. I prayed to god last night and asked if he would give me a sign if I was pregnant this time (I know it sounds silly I’m just desperate at this point) and I kid u not I woke up to a period and cramps. 3 days before my period should have started. It’s like a cruel never ending game. I’m so tired of hearing “maybe it’s just not the right time”. It is !! And Iv done all of this right, Iv been the best person I can be, I haven’t lost faith. What is it then??? Why did this happen.