I don't get it

6 months ago, I had my babies at 23 weeks. I had an emergency c section in order to save my twin boys. Unfortunately I loss them the first one at 6 days he was born and the second one 10 days after... it was awful, the worst thing ever happened to me. It was my first pregnancy after 3 years of trying... Well after 3 or 4 weeks my babies died I heard my mother in law was talking behind my back, she was saying to her friends that I had changed a lot and that I wasn't doing anything to help myself to get better. At that time My husband and me were living with my parents in law. Knowing that really hurt me. I had lost my babies, I had the wound of my c section, I was in pain because of my loss and because of wound, what could I do to get better 3-4 weeks after everything happened. It wasn't just like I could get up and say: "Erase it and star over"

They were my babies, I had just started to feel them inside of me... how can I pretend nothing happened, of course I changed, my whole world crashed on me when they died... so, ofcourse my husband and me didn't want to celebrate our birthdays it was to recently but my mother in law couldn't understand that. She got upset and told her friends that she wanted to make a dinner for my husband and I didn't let her do it, she couldn't understand why I was acting like that. First of all she never said anything to me about a dinner and second, it was my husband's decision.

So now in this past month I went to a few family parties including a baby shower without my husband due to his work, she has no idea how miserable I felt in every party Specially in the baby shower, but she can only see the fact that I went to parties without my husband. Now she's saying that her poor son is so sad that he doesn't want to go out and she feels so sorry for him. I am a bad wife in her eyes.

So, December is here and I love this season... this year is different because I was supposed to have my babies with me, it was going to be their first Christmas and it hurts knowing that nothing I wished for, will become true. Still, I set up my Christmas tree and I wanted to put Christmas lights around the house... now I am the worst woman ever, because I didn't want to celebrate my husband's b-day but I want to celebrate Christmas.

My husband had never liked decorating for this season, I always make him against his will, now I couldn't, I tried to get him to help me and he didn't want to, I'm sure he's hurting too, but I know he didn't want to do it because his mom is not doing it!! I don't get what I'm doing wrong. The worst thing is that in front of my husband, his mom acts like she likes me and behind our backs she talks about me, I don't tell him everything I know she's saying because I know how important she is for him, sometimes I feel I'm going to lose it... I feel so lonely!!